Inktober/Blogtober Day 3

I won't lie to you, when I saw that day 3 of Inktober had the prompt word "roasted," I figured it was at this point that I'd fail in my challenge to use the month of artistic prompts to create a blog a day.  What was I meant to do?  Discuss my favourite elements of a Sunday dinner?  Talk about how much I like a hot water bottle on a cold night?!

Then I remembered:  I am a Dan and Phil fan.  And if there's one thing everyone in that fandom thinks of when they hear the word "roasted," it's Dan Howell's diss track, written for YouTube's Roast Yourself challenge.

And so, I present to you a poem in which I thoroughly roast myself and which, if you are more talented than I am, you may feel free to record as a rap!  Please don't worry about my state of mind, or anything... 

Today's prompt word caused me quite the dilemma,
Until I realised there's a whole LOT to mock about Emma.
First of all, she's the height of a ten year old child,
And she panics about phone calls before the number gets dialled.
Her body's so broken, she's always got some aches or pains.
Her nose could be a shelter to stand under when it rains.
Her hair is unruly - just a massive mess of curls.
Looks-wise, it's best we don't compare her to other girls.
She's so oversensitive; cries at every little thing.
She sounds like a squeaky kid, but thinks that she can sing!
She wrote a load of books, which barely anybody bought.
She spends her nights alone in a duvet-pillow fort.
It's not even her own house because she lives with Mum and Dad,
Which at the age of thirty six is really rather sad.
She has so little willpower, she never sticks to any diet.
She moans so much about her life, you wish she would be quiet!
She talks like she's a tough cookie, bent upon survival,
But that's only because her love life is dead upon arrival.
She lives in permanent fear of losing all her friends,
Because that actually happened once (she prays it's not a trend).
She can't pack light and is bad at getting ready in a rush.
She's failed to act on every single (unrequited) crush.
Her wardrobe's full of "going-out clothes," none of which get worn,
She used to get invited on nights out, she could have sworn...
She's much too shy and far too emotional for her own good.
She keeps lists of things she plans do and doesn't (though she should).
You might think loving Emma sounds a little bit absurd,
But I don't really have a choice, because I'm stuck with her!
Amazingly, there are other people who think she's alright, really.
And I can say on her behalf, she loves them all quite dearly.
So, if you think this is the most self-indulgent blog I've posted,
It's just because it was finally time for Emma to be ROASTED!