Blue Monday (And How To Beat It!)

When I went to bed last night, I did so secure in the knowledge that I didn't have to start work until 1pm today, so I could have a lie-in, this morning.  This was, in itself, a case of me looking on the bright side, seeing as I loathe afternoon shifts, but I was determined to find a silver lining to the situation and, well, anyone who knows me, knows that I'm in a very serious, deeply committed relationship with my duvet...

And then the rain came.  Not in a metaphorical sense; this isn't a poetic way of saying I was suddenly hit by an emotional crisis.  No, I mean it very literally.  It started raining in the small hours of this morning and it woke me up.  Seeing as sleeping is one of my most favourite hobbies, I wasn't especially thrilled by this turn of events.  The term "like a bear with a sore head" pales into insignificance when compared to "like a sleepy short girl whose weird dreams have been unceremoniously interrupted by the weather."  Admittedly, it's not quite as catchy, but still.  Accurate.

So, I did what I usually do in these sorts of situations: I took to Twitter, to moan about it.

It was there that I discovered that today is apparently "Blue Monday" - supposedly the most depressing day of the year.  Yay...?

I could have used that fact to allow myself to moan excessively about my lack of sleep and to stomp around the house, looking for additional reasons to be mardy or sad.  But the gloomy fact is, I don't need a specific day in order to be stressed, anxious or depressed.  None of us do.  Depression can affect anyone, for any reason (or, indeed, seemingly without any reason at all) on literally any day.  That's the very nature of depression.  It doesn't wait, like some incredibly patient monster underneath your bed, for the one day a year it's allowed to leap out and roar in your face.  It'll do that whenever it likes.

And, of course, depression isn't necessarily a case of feeling blue.  Sometimes, you don't feel anything.  Not happy, not sad, not angry, just... Devoid of any emotion.  

But the good news is, there are ways to keep on top of your mental health, regardless of the date.  So, I thought I'd share a few of the ways I keep the monster under my bed at bay, whether it happens to be the most depressing day of the year or not.

This puppy is here because I Google image searched "monster under the bed" and genuinely scared myself.  Yes, I am a train wreck of a human.  So, anyway... Have a puppy, whilst I try to forget the many gifs of Pennywise from It I've just sifted through (I love that film, but now I have THE FEAR).

Talk To Someone.

Yep, the simplest answer is often the best one.

Depression can make you feel incredibly isolated from the rest of the world.  You can start thinking you're the only person who feels the way you do, or that you're not worth anything to anyone.  And I promise you, both of those thoughts are always wrong.

The first step towards getting yourself to a better mental place is finding someone you can trust - whether it's a family member, friend, partner or even your GP - and telling them how you feel.  Never, ever keep things to yourself, if you're feeling depressed or considering harming yourself in any way.  There are all sorts of ways to help you feel better, but it all starts with talking to someone.

If you really don't feel that you can talk to anyone in your family or friendship circle, you can call the Samaritans 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, by using their free phone line: 116-123.

Sometimes, you'll discover that just talking your worries through with someone else, gives you a different perspective on things and helps ease the load.  Sometimes, it'll take more than that, but talking to someone will be the catalyst to you getting the further help you need.  So, never keep things inside.  Always find someone to talk to.

Take care of yourself and be "selfish" if you need to be.

You can't be there for everyone else, if you're not looking after yourself.  Sometimes, as much as you might want to say "yes" to helping out everyone who asks, or to attending everything you're invited to, you have to retreat into yourself and have a little "me-time."

I've put "selfish" in air-quotes with good reason: there is nothing selfish about realising that you need to put yourself first, for a while.  Whether that simply means having a quiet night in by yourself, enjoying a bubble bath and your favourite dinner, or whether it's a case of barricading yourself in your room and playing Mario Kart for three hours, whilst you ignore every text message you receive, so be it.  Do whatever it takes to make you feel less pressured and more in tune with yourself.

Remember that mental health and physical health are often closely linked; if you're looking after yourself in terms of getting enough sleep, eating properly, getting some kind of exercise (I find walking the dog helps!) and paying attention to any aches or pains, you're more likely to be in a better position to kick depression's butt when it arises.

Find something you love and indulge in it!

When you're really low, it can be hard to find much joy in anything.  That's why it's important to work out what makes you happiest when you're on an even keel, and keep doing whatever that is when you're down, too.

For me, it's singing.  There are few things that can't be solved by a good warbling session.  If I want to shake off a bad mood, I'll do a bit of YouTube karaoke and stick firmly to cheesy, upbeat tunes.  If I feel like I need to wallow for a while, I'll break out the Les Mis soundtrack and sing Eponine's parts.  Yes, I am that kind of musical theatre nerd...

Now that I sing in a group as well, I find that's even better for lifting me out of a grump; it's hard to feel sad, mad or otherwise blue, when there's a chorus of fab people, singing in harmony with you and all you can think is: "Blimey, we sound awesome!"

It doesn't matter what it is that makes you happy.  It might be dancing, binge-watching your favourite TV show, painting, baking or even extreme ironing, for all I care - just find what makes you smile, what makes you feel good inside, and do more of it when your mood starts to drop.  

Spend some time with friends.

Yes, you need to put yourself first and it's fine to turn down invitations and not put yourself under too much pressure to be sociable, but don't cut yourself off completely.  Spending time with people you care about - and, crucially, who care about you (even when you don't) - can be a fantastic medicine.  Sometimes, just making the effort to get out and have a cuppa with a mate can be the difference between a bad day and an actually-not-so-bad one.  Besides, depression can make you feel incredibly isolated, so it's always a good thing to remind yourself that there are people who want to spend time with you and who are there to listen to you, too.

Make some simple plans.

When life feels tough, it can be hard to consider the future, especially if uncertainty about your personal future is contributing to your depression in the first place.  But one way to stay on top of things is by taking control as much as you can.  Plan something - even something really small, like "tomorrow, I will make my bed" - and try hard to stick to it.  When you do stick to it, it's a small way of proving to yourself that you're still able to accomplish small goals.  You can eventually build up to bigger things, like a day out somewhere or even a trip away.  Don't rush yourself, but encourage yourself to have little things to do, so that you have something to aim for.

Having a simple plan for your day set in place is also a good way of ensuring you don't feel quite so out of control.  Depression can make you feel as though your whole life is out of your hands.  But making plans, however small, is a way to remind yourself that you still have some power to decide what happens during your day.

On good days, plan exciting things for the future.  I always find, even when I'm really down, that if I know I have a trip to the theatre or a dinner out with a friend planned, I want to stick to it, because I know it will cheer me up.  Having something to look forward to can be a really good way of keeping you going when things get you down.

Challenge yourself.

I don't mean you have to start setting yourself a goal to climb Mount Everest, when I say this (unless that's something you're really keen on doing...).  But when those negative thoughts start creeping into your head, challenge them.  

Depression makes it very easy to agree with self-hating thoughts.  You can easily decide "yep, I am unlovable, stupid and a total failure."  But instead of agreeing with the part of your subconscious that's making you feel that way, stand up to it.  Write down all the ways in which you're a good friend to people.  Make a list of the accomplishments you're most proud of.  Even if you're convinced you have nothing positive to say about yourself, you will find something, if you look hard enough.  

Remember it CAN and WILL get better.

There is always a positive way out of a negative situation, no matter how hard you sometimes have to look for it.  When you're feeling low, remember that it's probably not the first time you've felt that way and that you managed to shake it off before, so you know you can do it again.  If it is the first time you've ever experienced really serious depression, remember how you felt before it came on; you have been happy, excited, positive and calm before, and they are all emotions you can work towards finding again.

It might take time.  Sometimes, we have a bad day and then wake up the following morning, wondering why we made such a fuss.  Other times, we find that our dark mood lasts a lot longer.  But however long it takes, it can get better.  You just need to take care of yourself, reach out for support and work on getting yourself back on an even keel.

These are just the things that work for me.  You might have totally different ways of keeping the monster firmly under the bed.  But whatever works for you, keep at it.

And here's to a Monday that's distinctly un-blue.

    

Let's Make Plans!

Earlier this week, I went for a drink with one of my dearest friends and we sat in a bar, making a list of the things we want to do together in 2018.  It was - and this is not hyperbole - one of the loveliest moments I've had this year.  

Some people hate making plans.  There are endless memes to be found in all corners of the internet, equating plans to "obligations" which people then feel a sudden need to wriggle out of.  I have rarely been someone who feels constricted by having a plan to stick to.  I'm ridiculously organised.  For me, a plan is bloody marvellous.  

But it was more than just my love of organisation that made me so happy, that afternoon in the pub.  It was the knowledge that I was sitting with someone who wants to make plans to hang out with me many times over.  It was the excitement of thinking about the fun things we both wanted to do in the coming weeks and months.  It was a way of ensuring that I have the kick up the bum I need to keep on getting out there and doing things.

We all have times in our lives when we just don't feel like doing much.  When depression, stress or anxiety causes us to dread venturing any further from our duvets than is absolutely necessary.  When the black dog has you firmly in its grip, the last thing you might be inclined to do is go out and take part in any kind of social activity.  Those are the times when pre-arranged plans feel like millstones around your neck.  The thought of having to force a smile onto your face and somehow muster up the energy to do more than binge-watch a TV show can be difficult to contemplate.

But, on the other hand, looking forward to something can be a way of lifting yourself out of the doldrums.  Having a reason to get up and out of the house can have a hugely positive impact on your mental wellbeing.  Just taking your mind off whatever's getting you down can be incredibly helpful.  After all, if we constantly dwell on the same thing for long enough, we start making it bigger than it needs to be and before long, it starts to harm us.  Taking some time out can even clear your mind just enough for you to be able to find a practical solution to the problem when you come back to it, later.

For me, sitting with my friend and making plans for the last few weeks of 2017 and well into 2018 made me realise how much I have to look forward to.  A day out with another couple of friends yesterday, in which we also made some pretty major plans for next year, had the same effect.

When I think back to the start of this year, when I was depressed, struggling to make plans for something I'd been really excited about, only to have it cancelled, it's hard to imagine a more different place from where I am, now.  I may not end up doing everything I talked about with friends, next year.  But even if I do half of it, I know that I have a whole lot to be excited about.

For me, making plans has been that last little step I needed to take, in order to get my mental health back on track.  Something as simple as "hey, do you fancy doing  *insert thing here* next weekend?" was, as it turned out, all I needed to make me realise that my world is full of amazing people, good friends and positive experiences.  And making plans for more of that can only be a good thing.

So, here's to making plans and having things to look forward to.  Life is short, after all.  Let's go out there and live it.

I Need A Little Time...

I'm not very good at taking time for myself.  It's funny, because I really thought I was.  I'm good at binge-watching TV shows on Netflix, with a scented candle lit and a big bowl of popcorn on my lap.  It's just, I've recently discovered that that's not entirely the same thing.

Because often, whilst I'm watching TV, I'm also checking my phone, to see if anyone has texted.  If someone has, I feel the need to reply right away, because I know how much I hate it when you message someone and they either never respond at all, or they take days to do so.  I feel that need to reply even more if the person texting has some kind of problem they need to talk through, or if they might be feeling lonely, angry or just fed up.  

And, whilst I'm half-watching TV and checking my phone to see if there are texts I need to reply to, I'm also checking Twitter, to ensure that the abuse-awareness account I run isn't being forgotten about.  

Before I know it, my "Me Time" has turned into "Me, You, Them And Whoever Else Time."

Normally, that's actually pretty fine.  I'm a people-person.  I like to have other people around me.  I like being in touch with people.  But my problem is, I have a habit of putting other people first.

Yes, I know.  That sounds like a humblebrag.  "Oooh, I'm just soooo selfless.  I put myself second aaaaall the tiiiiime."

But, I promise you, I'm not trying to sound like that.

I just mean that if someone's need seems to be greater than mine, I will put my own needs second, in order to accommodate theirs.  I tell myself that it's a nice, compassionate and mature way to be.  But, in reality, it's not always helpful.

Because, in deciding that my feelings are less important than everyone else's, I end up doing a disservice to myself.  I end up feeling guilty if I tell someone that they've made me feel hurt or angry (and, sadly, recent experience in that area has made me feel like I should never voice those feelings again).  Indeed, sometimes I end up swallowing those feelings entirely, rather than risk a negative response to them.

I end up pushing myself to be there for everyone else, whilst ignoring my own feelings.  My gut reaction to seeing someone I barely know on Twitter saying that they feel sad or lonely, for example, is to offer them my inbox as a place to rant.  To offer my metaphorical shoulders to cry on.  But too often, what I really need, is someone to talk to, myself.

What happens when you bury your own needs and feelings?  They start coming out, elsewhere.  You get short-tempered with people who have done nothing wrong.  You feel absolutely furious with people who have (anger just starts gnawing at you like a dog with a bone).  You start feeling the physical symptoms of stress.  For me, in the last 4 weeks, that's meant a worsening of my asthma, a return of the griping stomach pains I'm on medication to prevent, lack of decent sleep leading to exhaustion and a desperate wish to escape.  To literally anywhere.

Thankfully - and it seems bizarre to use that word in this context, but go with it - I'm having counselling, as a result of the grief I'm still going through because of losing two of my closest friends in the world.   So, I was able to talk these feelings through with my therapist, this week.  Her advice?

Go off the radar, a little.  Stop trying to be there for absolutely everyone but yourself.  Put Emma first, for a while.

It's alien and weird.  All week long, I haven't sent a single text to anyone, asking "how are you?"  Not because I don't care about any of the people I usually get in touch with to ask that question.  But, because I recognise how thinly I was spreading myself.  How much I was ignoring my feelings in order to try to put everyone else first.  

Because if anyone had texted me that question, had I been brave enough to answer it honestly, I would have had to say: "I'm not okay."

The fact of the matter is, you can't be all things to all people.  And you can't be anything to anyone, if you're not looking after yourself.

It's not selfish to say "I can't do X," or "I don't want to do Y."  It's perfectly reasonable to feel a negative response to something and to express it.  And it's not a character flaw to step back from the world and concentrate on fixing yourself, first and foremost.  Because nobody else can: you have to recognise what your needs are, what your problems are and what you can do to sort them out.  Nobody else can do it for you.  And, in realising that, I finally realised that I can't fix everyone else's problems, either.  Offering a stranger the chance to "DM me, if you ever need to talk" is kind and thoughtful, but there is no pressure on me to cure anyone's woes, because I can't.  

I'll always be someone who likes to please people.  I'll still be someone who offers her shoulder for strangers and friends alike to cry on and who tries to go along with what others want to do, because I don't like letting anyone down, or making people feel like I don't care.  

But I can't do it, right now.  I need to fix my own stress.  I need to concentrate on what I want and what I need.  I need to fall off the radar, just a little, and fill my life with things that make me feel happy.

I need a little time to put me first.  

And that's okay.

In Celebration Of Meditation!

Regular readers of this blog might be aware that I've been going through a hard time lately and that recently, I began counselling.  What very few of you might know, is that my first counselling session actually led to me discovering something that I had previously written off as very much not for me. 

You see, as that first session drew to a close, my counsellor asked me whether I had ever tried meditation as a stress reliever, and whether I'd like to do a quick meditation right there and then.

Now, guys.  If you read this blog, you'll know that I have a brain that does not shut up.  Finding my inner Zen seemed like an impossible task, given my mind's propensity to throw in all kinds of random images, songs and scenarios at any particular moment.  And, truth be told, I had attempted meditation a couple of times, before.  I usually either got the giggles (nervous laughter, rather than any kind of comment on the act of meditation, I swear), or I failed to get my noisy brain to be quiet enough for it to be at all effective.

So, to say that I was sceptical would probably be an understatement.  But, I was also angry, depressed and dealing with a whole heap of grief, following the events of the last four months.  So, I shrugged my shoulders and told my counsellor: "Why not try it?"

A weird thing happened.  After the first few moments of awkwardly chewing on the inside of my mouth, to stave off the giggles (I swear, I giggle nervously at the most inappropriate times...), my body seemed to sink into the chair and my breathing slowed.  I relaxed so much that my head dropped down and my mouth hung open (seriously, I think there might have been some drool issues...).  

I started to see things through my mind's eye, and not just the usual plethora of absurdities my brain likes to treat me to throughout the day, but a clear image of myself in silhouette, with certain parts of me lit up, like thermal imagery.  I saw a sharp, green rectangle in my belly and a deep red slash across my chest.  And then, as I breathed slowly and relaxed further, the rectangle became an oval.  It began to shrink.  And, somehow, with it shrank the gnawing stress pains I'd been having in my stomach for weeks.  The red line through my chest began to soften and my breathing seemed easier.  I'd been having terrible trouble with my asthma in the aftermath of all that had gone on in my personal life, but right there in that moment, I could breath freely and deeply.  An image of the former friend who had caused me so much pain, appeared in the front of my silhouette's head, before slowly disappearing towards the back of it, as though my subconscious mind was trying to tell me that it was time to try to forget and move on.

Now, I'm not exactly the sort of person you'd expect to be going all New-Age on you.  Like I said, my brain is usually full of bizarre images and noisy thoughts.  I stress over things way too much to think of myself as someone on the path to enlightenment, or anything like that.  But as I walked home from that first counselling session, I felt my footsteps were lighter than they had been on the way there.  And not just because I'd talked everything through (although that definitely helped; hearing someone unconnected to the situation say "this is not your fault.  The other person was in the wrong," was something I had desperately needed).

Pictured: Me before the counselling.

The thing is, I couldn't get the meditation out of my head.  The sensation of letting go associated with it, the things I had visualised during it, the lightness I'd felt after it...  I hadn't really ever felt anything like that before, and I wanted to feel it again.

And so, I went to my natural habitat: YouTube (by the way, I have a YouTube channel, which you should definitely check out, if you haven't already).  It turns out that there are literally hundreds, probably thousands of meditation videos on there, just waiting for you to click play and drift off...

Since that first successful meditation, I've been on, to use literally the biggest cliche in The Big Bumper Book Of Cliches, a journey of self-discovery.  

You may now take a moment to judge me for using that phrase.

I have lost my "You may now take a moment to judge me" Phil gif, so have Dan instead.

The thing is, I'm still very early on in this new discovery.  Meditation for me is still very hit and miss.  I've started trying to do it at least 2 or 3 times a week before bed and in one particular week, I went from a night in which I fully relaxed and my subconscious mind caused me to see things I had long forgotten and access feelings I had been keeping bottled up, all of which was surprisingly freeing, to a night in which I became so enraged by the narrator on the video I had playing, pronouncing "anxiety" as "angshuty," that I ended up stopping the video and going onto Twitter for an hour, instead.  

Guess which night resulted in a more restful sleep?!

Sometimes, my noisy brain still doesn't entirely let me drift off into a meditative state.  There are nights when I'll be lying in the dark, eyes closed, limbs relaxed, all ready to go, when a voice in my head will start sniping: "Dear GOD this video is soundtracked by a lot of pan-pipes.  What is it with bloody meditation and pan-pipes?!  And this person is standing way too close to their microphone.  How can I relax and find inner peace when I can literally hear their lips smacking when they talk?!"

And on those nights, I'm learning to either ignore that voice for long enough that it gets bored and goes away, or to stop and try again another day.

Because, I've come to realise that for every night where I don't entirely let go and have a blissful, relaxing experience, there'll be a night on which I do.  A night where I'm genuinely surprised by where my mind takes me, or by how relaxed my body feels when the meditation is over.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that trying this thing that I really didn't expect to work, has been something of a revelation.  And it only confirms to me that we should try new things and test the limits of we think we might be capable of.

As for me, well, I have a long way to go.  The anger and frustration I've felt as a result of the way people I loved have treated me is beginning to slide into sadness.  It's no easier to deal with, but I suppose at least I'm moving through the grieving process, however long it takes.

I'm just glad that I now have an extra tool I can use, when things all get too much.  I can close my eyes, press "play" on a guided meditation video and just... Relax.

Well, as long as the narrator doesn't stand too close to the microphone.  

It's a work in progress...