I Need A Little Time...

I'm not very good at taking time for myself.  It's funny, because I really thought I was.  I'm good at binge-watching TV shows on Netflix, with a scented candle lit and a big bowl of popcorn on my lap.  It's just, I've recently discovered that that's not entirely the same thing.

Because often, whilst I'm watching TV, I'm also checking my phone, to see if anyone has texted.  If someone has, I feel the need to reply right away, because I know how much I hate it when you message someone and they either never respond at all, or they take days to do so.  I feel that need to reply even more if the person texting has some kind of problem they need to talk through, or if they might be feeling lonely, angry or just fed up.  

And, whilst I'm half-watching TV and checking my phone to see if there are texts I need to reply to, I'm also checking Twitter, to ensure that the abuse-awareness account I run isn't being forgotten about.  

Before I know it, my "Me Time" has turned into "Me, You, Them And Whoever Else Time."

Normally, that's actually pretty fine.  I'm a people-person.  I like to have other people around me.  I like being in touch with people.  But my problem is, I have a habit of putting other people first.

Yes, I know.  That sounds like a humblebrag.  "Oooh, I'm just soooo selfless.  I put myself second aaaaall the tiiiiime."

But, I promise you, I'm not trying to sound like that.

I just mean that if someone's need seems to be greater than mine, I will put my own needs second, in order to accommodate theirs.  I tell myself that it's a nice, compassionate and mature way to be.  But, in reality, it's not always helpful.

Because, in deciding that my feelings are less important than everyone else's, I end up doing a disservice to myself.  I end up feeling guilty if I tell someone that they've made me feel hurt or angry (and, sadly, recent experience in that area has made me feel like I should never voice those feelings again).  Indeed, sometimes I end up swallowing those feelings entirely, rather than risk a negative response to them.

I end up pushing myself to be there for everyone else, whilst ignoring my own feelings.  My gut reaction to seeing someone I barely know on Twitter saying that they feel sad or lonely, for example, is to offer them my inbox as a place to rant.  To offer my metaphorical shoulders to cry on.  But too often, what I really need, is someone to talk to, myself.

What happens when you bury your own needs and feelings?  They start coming out, elsewhere.  You get short-tempered with people who have done nothing wrong.  You feel absolutely furious with people who have (anger just starts gnawing at you like a dog with a bone).  You start feeling the physical symptoms of stress.  For me, in the last 4 weeks, that's meant a worsening of my asthma, a return of the griping stomach pains I'm on medication to prevent, lack of decent sleep leading to exhaustion and a desperate wish to escape.  To literally anywhere.

Thankfully - and it seems bizarre to use that word in this context, but go with it - I'm having counselling, as a result of the grief I'm still going through because of losing two of my closest friends in the world.   So, I was able to talk these feelings through with my therapist, this week.  Her advice?

Go off the radar, a little.  Stop trying to be there for absolutely everyone but yourself.  Put Emma first, for a while.

It's alien and weird.  All week long, I haven't sent a single text to anyone, asking "how are you?"  Not because I don't care about any of the people I usually get in touch with to ask that question.  But, because I recognise how thinly I was spreading myself.  How much I was ignoring my feelings in order to try to put everyone else first.  

Because if anyone had texted me that question, had I been brave enough to answer it honestly, I would have had to say: "I'm not okay."

The fact of the matter is, you can't be all things to all people.  And you can't be anything to anyone, if you're not looking after yourself.

It's not selfish to say "I can't do X," or "I don't want to do Y."  It's perfectly reasonable to feel a negative response to something and to express it.  And it's not a character flaw to step back from the world and concentrate on fixing yourself, first and foremost.  Because nobody else can: you have to recognise what your needs are, what your problems are and what you can do to sort them out.  Nobody else can do it for you.  And, in realising that, I finally realised that I can't fix everyone else's problems, either.  Offering a stranger the chance to "DM me, if you ever need to talk" is kind and thoughtful, but there is no pressure on me to cure anyone's woes, because I can't.  

I'll always be someone who likes to please people.  I'll still be someone who offers her shoulder for strangers and friends alike to cry on and who tries to go along with what others want to do, because I don't like letting anyone down, or making people feel like I don't care.  

But I can't do it, right now.  I need to fix my own stress.  I need to concentrate on what I want and what I need.  I need to fall off the radar, just a little, and fill my life with things that make me feel happy.

I need a little time to put me first.  

And that's okay.

You Can Be Right And Still Be Wrong

It's not easy for a stubborn person to admit when they're wrong.  I know this, because I know many stubborn folk, for whom the idea of holding their hands up and saying "okay, I was wrong and I'm sorry" is the kind of thing that causes them to wake up in the dead of night, in a cold sweat.

I also know this, because to a much lesser extent, I am a stubborn person.

I know that when I have a bee in my bonnet about something, I become rather unshakable in my views.  I know that I tend to react strongly to perceived slights, because I'm ludicrously sensitive and then afterwards, I struggle to let go of the hurt I've felt, in order to see the person who hurt me the way I saw them before.  I know that there have been times when I've decided that I'd rather be silent and say nothing to someone, than have it out with them and fix a problem, because doing so feels too difficult.  So, yeah, I guess I can be stubborn...

I like big BUTs and I cannot lie.

The thing is, I am not one of those people who holds onto that stubbornness forever, refusing to talk about a problem, being against the principle of "forgive and forget," or just generally maintaining negativity in spite of the fact that doing so is actually worsening my own life.

That's because I'm ridiculously self-analytical.  To the point of actual craziness.  I've been known to lie awake at night, wondering why I said a certain thing, or why I felt a certain way.  And I don't just mean on the day a particular event or scenario happened.  I mean weeks later.  Months later.  Years later (I talk about that a bit in this YouTube video).

I find myself wondering what I could have said instead.  What I should have done differently.  I start thinking about any other people involved in a situation and what their feelings on it all might be.  And, if I think that they might be hurting because of something I've said or done, my gut instinct is to apologise and try to make it better.  Not because I suddenly think I was in the wrong all along (although, sometimes I am, obviously), but because I know that the right thing to do, is to consider the feelings of others and to try to behave in a way that causes the least hurt.

Because, you see, you can be right and yet still be wrong.

I know, just... Hear me out.

When you fall out with someone who has hurt you in some way, you might foster some kind of belief that you're the one in the right.  Sometimes, people around you who know what's going on, may also share that view.  And of course, there are situations in which you are ultimately in the right and you need to let a toxic person go from your life, by way of protecting yourself from harm.  In that instance, walking away is entirely the right thing to do.

But sometimes, arguments get unnecessarily heated.  Other people get involved.  Events escalate into something they never started out as.  A petty dispute turns into World War Three.

That happened to me, six months ago.

I believe I had every right to be upset about something.  But now, I also believe that I was very wrong to let it get as bad as it did.  Someone in the situation should have said "hey, hang on, this is getting needlessly nasty.  Let's cool off and meet up to talk about this properly in a couple of weeks."  And in the absence of anyone saying that for those of us involved in the argument, perhaps I should have been the one to suggest it.

But I was stubborn.  I was hurting.  I was mad.  So, I made no such suggestion.  And things worsened.  Soon, instead of anyone talking anything through, or making any effort to fix anything, I was unceremoniously told by someone who had zero place to be getting involved, that it was too late.  Nobody wanted me around, anymore.

ALL ABOARD THE WOE IS ME TRAIN!

At that point, who was right or wrong in the situation was barely important, anymore.  The fact is, a dumb, stupid argument that should have been talked through face to face, had destroyed several friendships.  All because nobody thought to say "this is getting silly, now.  Let's meet up to talk properly."  Nobody, including me.  So, whatever the right or wrong of the original argument, I was wrong, there.  We were all wrong, there.  And I hold my hands up and take responsibility for my lack of any action to save things.  Because, regardless of whether or not I believe I was right to be hurt with various things, I was wrong to let those things - and the subsequent argument about them - destroy a really precious friendship.  In fact, two really precious friendships.

The thing is, I think you can be right and still be wrong, if you go about things in a way that causes hurt, or if you allow a situation that could be fixed, to simply break down altogether.

And the more I thought about this whole "you can be right and still be wrong" thing, the more I realised it applies to a whole lot of different situations.

You see, sometimes, doing the right thing for other people, means doing the wrong thing for ourselves.  And I bet that's something we're all guilty of.

Ever had someone ask something of you and felt duty-bound to do it, because you love that person and maybe they're in a position of need, so you go along with it, despite the fact that perhaps you could use a little help, yourself?  You're doing the right thing for them, whilst perhaps doing the wrong thing for yourself.

We've all done it.  Whether it's staying up late to talk to a friend with a problem, despite having an early shift at work the next day, or simply putting our own feelings second, because someone else needs to be priority, right now.  We've all done the "right" thing for someone else, despite it actually being the "wrong" thing for us.

It's when you think of it like that, that you begin to realise that terms such as "right" and "wrong" are actually rather black and white.  Reality has a far wider colour spectrum than that.

I suppose the most important things to remember are firstly that sometimes, we need to do right by ourselves.  Putting your own feelings to one side is never a permanent solution, after all.  And secondly, once we start analysing the way we really feel about things, we can see how our feelings have coloured our actions (or lack thereof) and - hopefully - confess to ourselves when we've contributed, whether knowingly or not, to a "wrong" situation.

You can be right and still be wrong.

You can do wrong for yourself, in order to do right for someone else.

Life is rarely ever black and white.

There's A Black Dog On My Shoulder (Again)...

"I'm depressed" is such a common phrase.  We say it when a TV show we liked gets cancelled, or when we don't quite fit into our favourite outfit, anymore.  More often than not, what we really mean is "I'm fed up," or "I'm sad."  Hopefully, however blue you might feel about those things, you'll perk up within a few hours, maybe a day or two at most.  But sometimes, those little things tip us over the edge and when we say we're depressed, we really do mean it.  And depression isn't just a case of feeling a bit sad.

Stuff has been building up in my head for a while.  Maybe none of it massive (in the eyes of strangers, at least), but none of it nice.  I think the overriding sensation - the thing that connects all the smaller issues that have been building - is the feeling that I'm not important (or my feelings aren't important), or that I'm easily replaced.  The other day, I heard a Mariah Carey song that I've not listened to in years, the opening lyrics to which go: "it seems as though I've always been somebody outside looking in."  And it was a musical thump to the guts, because I can't help but feel more and more like that's exactly what I am.

Life has a way of magnifying the bad when things happen in quick succession and rational, non-depressed Emma would probably shake me and tell me that hopefully, nobody ever intended to make me feel that way and that it's my insecurity talking.

But rational, non-depressed Emma hasn't made many appearances, in the last few days.

When I'm on an even keel, I'm generally pretty good at self-analysis.  I can tell myself "that didn't mean anything.  They probably don't even realise you're upset by that.  You're being oversensitive" and I try to do something to right the wrong that's formed in my head.  Whether that's by avoiding social media, reminding myself of the good things I have in my life, or simply eating chocolate and binge-watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I will do whatever it takes to turn my internal situation around.

Usually it works.  But sometimes it doesn't.  And when it doesn't, there are few things in this world more painful.  I stop being me.  I start being a much less cute version of Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh.

Complete with rain cloud.

Suddenly, all those little insecurities I've been trying to rationalise seem to unite in battle against me.  Instead of being able to think "I'm being oversensitive" or "they didn't mean that the way it sounded," my brain starts to look in greater detail at all those things that have niggled me, but which I've tried to ignore.  I get treated to an internal monologue that seems to scream: "See?!  You don't mean anything.  Nobody cares about your feelings because your feelings don't matter.  You're boring; people are sick of you.  Nobody would believe you if you spoke out about that manipulative person in your life, because everyone prefers them to you.  Nobody would understand if you told them how you feel unimportant lately, because you are.  And who could blame anyone for preferring other people over you?  You don't even like you."

It's particularly hard, given that I've gone through a lot and fought to reach a place where I do like myself.  Usually, at least.  But when depression bites, it's like a little devil on my shoulder, whispering hate in my ears.  To borrow a phrase from my novel (Cracked Mirrors And Torn Reflections), I wear every insult like a shroud, becoming each one in the process.

The worst are the insults my abuser regularly threw at me.  "Pathetic, needy, clingy."  I'm all of those things, right now.  Pathetic for being so angry, upset and frustrated, rather than being able to deal with things.  Needy, because all I want is for the people I care most about to both tell and show me that they care (shout out to my Mum and sister-in-law for being beyond awesome at knowing and responding to this), and clingy, because I don't want to be replaced in anyone's affections.

I guess my abuser was right in as much as I'm not someone who can drift into that supposedly comfy place of not needing to express what someone means to you, because they should just know.  I do need to be told I'm loved and that I mean something.  Normally, I can tell myself that I love me, however sad that sounds.  I'm not able to do that right now.  And so, I find myself in a place where I don't feel like I have any worth.  Like I don't matter.  Like I could disappear and leave little to no gap in anyone's lives.  

One of the evil side-effects of depression is that not everyone understands it.  Someone who hasn't been there themselves might read the above few paragraphs and think: "Hang on... So, this girl has some stuff going on in her head and she's being all needy and wanting people to tell her how amazing she is?  Bloody attention seeker."  

But that's not it, at all.  I don't want just random "hey, you're awesome" messages from people who may or may not mean it.  I just want - dare I say, need - to feel cared about, respected and considered, because I can't do it for myself at the moment.  In much the same way as when we hurt someone, it's right to say "sorry," when someone's hurting, it's right to give them support.  I try to do it for other people and usually, I can support me, too, but right now, I don't know how.  I want to be reassured, because I can't reassure myself.  

And of course, depression is a contrary little madam.  I want to be reassured, told I'm loved and made to feel like my feelings matter.  But equally, I want space and I don't want people to offer me support if it's not meant, or if they secretly think I'm being OTT.  I want to sleep, because I'm constantly exhausted, but I fall into bed and my own brain keeps me awake for hours, going over and over every tiny little detail of a situation, until I barely know which way is "up."  I'm scared of getting nowhere with my writing dreams, but I've got little to no inclination to write anything.  It's sometimes as though I can feel literally everything - every stupid thought and emotion - on an almost physical level, yet there are moments when I'm numb to absolutely everything around me.  I'm seeing my favourite band in the world next weekend and right at this particular moment, I can't even raise a smile, thinking about it.

Depression isn't like a tap.  I can't just tell myself "shake it off, Em," flip a switch and suddenly be fine.  I wish that a hug from someone would make it go away.  I've tried doing the whole "Positive Mental Attitude" thing and it's not getting me anywhere, because my brain has currently decided that "positive" is just one end of a battery.  I've tried asking myself the whole "think about the things getting you down; what can you change?" question, but most of the situations are entirely out of my hands.  All I can do is process my emotions, work out how things have changed for me as a result and learn to deal with it all.  I can protect myself to a degree; taking steps to avoid seeing things that hurt me (I visit Twitter only to check if my celebrity crush has tweeted; I skim past everything and everyone else and I can't see that changing for a long while), not letting myself get close to anyone I no longer trust and working on re-establishing a healthier frame of mind, for example, but that's as much as I can do.  Yes, it's important - being able to wrap my head around things and learn to handle situations I can't personally change is pretty vital - but it can make you feel a little useless.  It's like "hey, there's no point being so sad, because all of these things are entirely out of my hands," coupled with "I can do absolutely nothing to change any of this and that sucks."

Although, I guess that's not strictly true.  I could choose to communicate how I feel a little more clearly.  I could say "hang on, what was that supposed to mean?!" rather than brood on a possibly misinterpreted piece of communication.  I could say "this has hurt me" and try to talk things through, where talking could make a difference.  Most of all,  I can be honest about dealing with depression and how it feels, in the hope that at least if someone stumbles across this blog, it makes them feel less alone, less crazy or less selfish for having succumbed to their feelings.  It won't help me, necessarily, but if it helps someone else, then that's my bit of good done for the day.

And, somewhat selfishly, I need to feel something good.  I swear, I feel like I've gained two stone, recently.  My head feels heavy with thoughts and my chest is swollen with hurt.  You carry depression around with you and it doesn't just cause you emotional pain; it's a physical ache.  Normally, physical ailments - nausea, headaches, that weirdly sluggish feeling that makes you feel like your limbs are made of concrete - can all be beaten with a positive frame of mind.  When you're depressed, that positivity is really hard to find; you might snatch it for a brief moment, but it's like trying to catch a butterfly.

For the past few days, I've smiled when I've had to.  Gotten up, done the things I needed to do.  I've hopefully managed to pull off a pretty impressive acting job in public; I might seem a little quieter than usual, but nobody would necessarily know the battle I'm fighting with my own mind and emotions.

It's a battle I'll win.  I'll win it, because I have to.  I want to smile and have it reach my eyes.  I want to stop skipping songs on the way to work, because they make me cry.  I want to get back to being me.  And some day - maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in the next week - I'll realise that I am good enough, that my feelings are valid and that I can find a way to cope with the various situations I'm in.  

I've climbed mountains like this one, before.  When I'm ready, I'll strap up my boots and climb the heck out of this one, too.  And when I get to the top, I'll try to learn something from the view.  Hopefully, I won't be alone when I get there, either.  Hopefully, there'll be people supporting me, pushing me up when it gets tough.  When something like depression hits, you very quickly find out who you can count on, after all.

There'll be other mountains in the future, I'm sure.  But with each one we climb, we learn, we grieve for anyone lost en route and we take stock, until we're ready to carry on travelling.  

Life is a journey.  I've just misplaced my map.

How To... Be Happy Being Single!

Come the fuck on, Bridget.

Over the last few weeks, I've been dishing out advice in my "How To..." series.  We've looked at How To... Be NOTHING Like Christian Grey, How To...Spot Warning Signs In Your Relationship and of course, How To...Be Loved Up Without Annoying Your Single Friends.  It's been quite the journey.  Today, as promised, we're going to look at How To...Be Happy Being Single!  Because, despite the fact that today is Valentine's Day and the entire world seems to be stuffing romance down your throat as though it's the most important thing in life, being single is actually okay.  It's not unhealthy, it doesn't mean you're unlovable and it's not the worst thing that could happen to you.  So, whether you're single by choice, or single because of some series of unfortunate events (did you go out with Lemony Snicket?!), this is the blog for you.  And hey, if you're all loved-up, maybe this is also the blog for you, too.  It's a lesson the whole world needs to hear now and then, after all.

So, how can you be happy being single?  Here's how...

1. Get to know - and love - YOU.

It was, but go for it.  You won't actually go blind.

The great thing about being by yourself is that you don't have any pressure to behave a certain way in order to impress a partner.  Want to watch Les Mis in your pyjamas at two o'clock in the afternoon until you have a combination of tears, mascara and snot all over your face?  Go for it.  There's nobody there to judge you (there's also nobody there to hug at the end, but that's what cushions, cats and dogs were invented for).

Having time by yourself allows you to do the things that you want.  And the more you do that stuff, the more you start to realise what it is that makes you tick.  I'm a self-confessed over-analyser, but I will happily admit to spending much of the time I have to myself, pondering who I am and why I react to things in the way I do.  I'm not having an existential crisis or anything, I'm just getting to know me.  The more you get to know yourself, the more you understand yourself.  And the more you understand yourself, the less hard you are on yourself, because you get it.  The upshot of all of this navel-gazing is that you eventually become a much more rounded person, who knows what (s)he wants out of life and that can only be a good thing if and when a romantic partner eventually comes along.

I mean, think about it.  If your self-analysis has caused you to realise that you're someone who's very sensitive, it makes sense that you might want to avoid choosing a particularly tactless, aggressive type of person to get shacked up with.  Getting to know yourself means you inevitably get to know what sort of partner you would be best suited to and hopefully, that will mean that when you next dip your toes in the dating waters, you'll be better prepared.  Like a Scout.

Following on from that...

2. Remember that it's better to be single than in a bad relationship!

Whenever I feel a bit down about being single, I remember my last relationship.  Regular readers of this blog will know that my ex was, to coin a phrase, an abusive fuckwit.  If I'm ever thinking "aw, I hate being alone," I remember what it felt like to lie in bed with him next to me, snapping that I was a "disgusting slut" (for trying to initiate sex), "needy" (for hugging him) and "selfish" (for telling him I loved him - go figure the logic on that one).  Nothing - and I seriously mean nothing - feels more lonely than being in a bad relationship.  

You might think it's better to at least have a partner, even if it's someone who doesn't make much of an effort to treat you well.  To that I say:

You might not believe it at three in the morning, when one side of the bed is cold and you're tempted to text an ex, but it is always, always better to be on your own than try to subsist in an awful relationship, just so you can say you have someone in your life.  Put your phone down.  Roll onto the other side of the bed.  Maybe fart a bit to warm it up.  But seriously, don't ever think you'd be better off in a bad relationship.

In case you still don't believe me, I wrote a semi-autobiographical novel about my experience of an abusive relationship and you can buy it here.  I'm a million, billion times happier on my own than I was when I was going through that crap every day, believe me.

3. Fill your time with FUN stuff.

A recent bit of "me-time."

From some of the stuff certain "friends" (and I use the term loosely for people like this) have posted on Facebook in the run-up to Valentine's Day, I get the impression that they think single people lead very miserable existences; weeping into their Cheerios in the morning, frowning their way through the working day and then crying themselves to sleep at night whilst listening to Celine Dion.

The fact is, a person is a person, regardless of their relationship status.  And as a fully functioning human being, you have the capacity to plan stuff.  If you happen to be single, why not plan stuff that's fun?  Embrace the fact that you can do literally whatever you want (within reason - don't go getting arrested just to prove to your coupled-up mates how crazy you are).

Have a night out with your fellow single friends (or make your loved-up mates leave their partners at home for the evening).  Eat out at a nice restaurant.  Go on holiday.  Play The Sims all day whilst wearing your pyjamas.  Basically, do whatever the heck makes you smile.  You don't have time to mope over being single when you're busy making your life as awesome as it can possibly be.

4. Exercise self-care and admit when you need a bit of support.

Last year, someone in a relationship actually mentioned me in her Valentine's post to her boyfriend (in which she uploaded photos of the cards and presents he'd bought her, because nothing says "romance" more than showing that stuff off on social media, obviously).  It was basically: "Haha, look, you're single and I'm not."  Needless to say, we're not friends, anymore.

It's not healthy to be consumed with rage and bitterness towards couples, but it's absolutely okay to sometimes feel a bit down about your single status, especially on days like today (Valentine's Day, if you're reading this in the future, on a Moon Base or something).  If you do feel a bit crappy about not having a card or a present, or even just someone you're so comfortable with that you can fart in front of, maybe today is a good day to avoid the likes of Facebook.  You don't need to see that Steve bought Julia a bunch of long-stemmed roses, a box of those chocolates they had for the first time on that holiday they went on last year and a cuddly rhinoceros because oh never mind, it's an in-joke between me and Steve, okay?! So, step away from the website and look after yourself by doing something nice.  For me, it's going to involve popping to Tesco to buy red velvet cookies.  Yes, they are a thing and yes, you need them in your life.

Also, remember it's totally okay to feel a bit sad at this time of year, or any time of year, for that matter.  One of the key ways to be happy being single is, ironically, to accept that there might be days when you're not.  When you feel low, talk to someone who'll cheer you up, or do something that makes you feel good.  Or, think of that ex who had really bad breath and be grateful you never have to kiss him, again.  Something to that effect, anyway...

5. Remember there's more than just ONE form of love!

So, you don't have romantic love in your life.  But I bet you have other forms and those are all just as important.  Your family, your friends, your pets, even just your casual interests can inspire a form of love.  Your life doesn't have to be devoid of emotion or meaning, just because you don't have someone that you get to see naked on a regular basis.  Learn to get the most out of the other relationships in your life.  Spend quality time with friends.  Say "I love you" to people you care about and show it with your actions.  Love attracts love and filling your life with other forms of it can be just as meaningful as any other kind of relationship.

At the end of the day, the most crucial thing to remember is that you have to get to know yourself and ideally like yourself, too.  Not because "you can't expect someone else to love you if you don't love yourself" or other such cliches, but because it's important.  You're you and you're the only version of you that there is, so rather than spending your time feeling sad that nobody else appreciates your brilliance in a romantic sense, just go out there and live your life in the best way you can.  

If love happens, great.  If not, there's always chocolate.

How To... Be Loved Up Without Annoying Your Single Friends

Me, illustrating being happy for my loved up friends.  You totally got that, right?!

Yes, it's that time of the week again, everyone!  Part three of my "How To..." series on love and relationships is finally here.  I know, I've been waiting for it all week, too.

Now, there are few things that make me happier than seeing a friend fall head over heels in love and having that love returned.  I would be a pretty lousy person if I wasn't happy for my loved-up buddies.  And, on the whole, the majority of my coupled-up chums are really good at conducting their relationships in a way that doesn't make every single person they know collectively nauseous.  But some folk just really don't know how to behave around their single mates, once they become attached.  It's like they enter a relationship and their brain gets scrambled.  I've seen it happen over and over, so I've decided it's time for a handy guide...

HOW TO BE LOVED UP WITHOUT ANNOYING YOUR SINGLE FRIENDS!

As irritating as it is to have to point this out in my own little corner of the Internet, just for the sake of clarity: this blog is not being written in order to shame couples (I have loads of loved-up friends who would rightly lynch me if I did that), or to express my enormous bitterness at being single, because whilst love in my life would be really nice, I'm not angry or sad that I'm unattached, right now.  Indeed, the final instalment of this series will be released next Sunday - yep, Valentine's Day - and will be entitled "How To... Be Happy Being Single."  So, stay tuned for that.

But first, let's imagine you're reading this and you're in a brand new relationship.  Hooray!  Congratulations!  Or, perhaps you're reading this and you're in a long term partnership with someone you're planning on spending the rest of your life with.  That is awesome; I'm chuffed to bits for you.  Now... Do you know how to avoid becoming that person that unintentionally annoys many of their single friends?  No?  Then read on...

1. Please DON'T forget we exist.

We get it.  A new relationship is exciting and you want to spend as much time as possible with your new beau (please stick with me and I swear never to say the word "beau" again).  But your friends were in your life long before this new, sexy person was and if your relationship breaks down, they'll be the ones picking up the pieces.  If they're good friends, they'll be the ones on whose shoulders you can cry snotty tears.  If they're really good friends, they'll be the ones taking you out and getting you drunk, or the ones who'll be stalking your ex's Facebook profile just so you know what terrible hair (s)he has since you broke up.  So, you might want to keep them in your life, even though your life now revolves around a person you like in a very different way.

Let me tell you a story.  Several years ago, I had a bestie with whom I did everything.  We hung out as often as we could, were forever texting or calling one another and life was pretty damn good.  We'd had boyfriends together (not the same one mind, we weren't that close) and we'd been single together.  We'd even been in the position of her having a boyfriend and me being single before, so I was certain that nothing and no one could ever come between us.

Then, she met a guy.  Except I didn't actually know she'd met a guy.  I just knew that she went from being in touch with me on a daily basis, to not being in touch at all.  After a month - and at least 4 or 5 messages asking if she was okay - she finally told me she had a new boyfriend and had been too "busy" to reply.

Now, I was happy for her, but also pretty annoyed that she'd let me panic for weeks, before she let me know that she was, you know, alive.  Still, our friendship got back on track and, a few months later, when she and the guy broke up, I was there for her with chocolate and wine and a family sized box of tissues.  We went back to hanging out all the time and being in constant touch with each other.  Until she met someone new and... Well, have you seen the movie Groundhog Day?  It was basically that, without the added bonus of lovable Bill Murray.

Funny how life repeats itself.  

Funny how life repeats itself.

Funny how life repeats itself.

Funny how... Oh, you get it.

To summarise: your friends will definitely understand that you want to have time alone with the new guy or girl in your life.  They'll be pleased for you!  But they won't be quite so thrilled if you literally stop calling, texting or having anything to do with them, because you've decided they're not important anymore, now that you're getting regular naked cuddles.  

Besides which, having outside interests in a relationship is important.  If you spend every waking moment with your significant other, you lose your own significance.  And then there's the fact that if a relationship is going to get serious, you're surely going to want to introduce your new partner to the people who are important to you?  You'll have a tough job doing that if none of them are talking to you, because you've completely ignored them for weeks...

2. Avoid metaphorically patting your single friends on the head at ALL costs.

It's great when you fall in love, isn't it?  And you kind of wish that everyone you know could feel as happy as you do, right?!  That's brilliant and it comes from a really sweet place, but for the love of all I hold dear, do NOT do the whole "pat you on the head" routine with your single friends when they don't need it. 

Don't know what I mean?  Let me explain...

I had a chat with a friend once that went something like this:

Me: I really want to go to that thing in London.  I might have to try to sweet talk a friend to come along!

Them: I'd offer, but I'm with my boyfriend that weekend.

Me: Oh, that's okay.  Doing anything nice?

Them: Just spending some quality time.  Might go out for dinner, if we manage to leave the bedroom...

Me: Haha!  Cool, that sounds nice.  That new restaurant in town is meant to be good.

Them: You'll find someone, Em.  You'll meet him when you least expect it, okay?  Don't be sad and try not to be so sceptical.

Me: What the...??!!

WHAT?????!!!!

I'm sure all coupled-up folk feel like they're merely expressing their desire for their single friends to experience the mind-blowing joy they're currently feeling.  But... Well, it's massively patronising to have someone suddenly start telling you not to give up hope, or that "THE ONE is waiting out there, somewhere," when we've not brought the subject up.   I've had several friends do this to me over the years out of nowhere and I literally don't understand why they don't see how incredibly insensitive it is.  Unless a single friend actively says to you: "I wish I had someone in my life," do not proceed to give them the "it'll happen when you least expect it" conversation, especially if it has literally zero relevance to what you were previously discussing.  And even if it is relevant (say, you've been telling us about your new partner and we've been oohing and aahing accordingly), DON'T NECESSARILY DO IT.  Sometimes, all single people want a bit of reassurance that we'll find someone eventually, but we don't want it to come out of nowhere and nor do we want it to sound like pity. Nobody wants to think that their loved-up mates all feel sorry for them, after all.

Like a lot of unintentionally upsetting or annoying stuff, this almost certainly comes from a good place.  The people who randomly blurt "don't be sad, you'll meet someone someday" are almost definitely doing it because they hope their single friend will find "THE ONE" and experience happiness.  But that's kind of my point, here.  You can experience happiness whilst single.  The implication that we're sad and lonely and missing out is much more likely to upset us than our single status does.

Seriously, ignore this advice at your peril.  You might think randomly dropping the "diddums, don't be sad" line into an otherwise casual conversation is a good idea, but it almost certainly isn't. It won't make your friend feel all warm and fuzzy and wanting to bathe in the glow of your newly discovered romance.  It'll leave them wanting to stick party sausages up your nose and feed you to a ravenous husky.

Following on from this...

3.  Don't assume all your single friends are sad/lonely/bitter.

The other day, I saw something on Facebook that made me howl with primal rage.  It was almost worse than seeing someone write "should of," when they blatantly mean "should have."  Almost.

This person wrote a status basically saying all single people were bound to be bitter and jealous, come Valentine's Day and that they should all "go away" (swearier words were used).

Now, sure.  Some of us do dread February 14th.  Some of us sometimes feel sad and lonely (for example when confronted with Valentine's stuff everywhere) and that's perfectly okay - experiencing a touch of envy or regret when you're long-term single and everything around you seems to be geared towards couples is actually pretty normal and entirely acceptable, as long as you're not letting it boil over into actual nastiness towards your loved-up pals.  But not all of us singletons feel that way and the ones that feel like it often don't on a daily basis.  It's like pizza.  I love pizza, but I don't have one right now and that's okay.  Sometimes, I might get a real craving for one, but other times, I'm like "ooh, I fancy some ice cream."  I seem to have lost track of this analogy; I swear I had a point, but now I'm just hungry...

Basically, single people aren't all constantly living in sadness, or being consumed with jealous rage every time they see a couple walking hand in hand.  Take me, for example.  I like seeing friends, eating out, writing, spending hours watching other people play The Sims on YouTube (shut up and don't judge my life choices) and a whole host of other things.  A boyfriend would be great, but I'm not sitting here, weeping because I don't have one.  Yet, some people in relationships feel the need to make assumptions, like that total berk on Facebook did.

Don't jump to the conclusion that because someone isn't in a relationship, their life must be devoid of all meaning and they must be drowning in their own lonely tears.  This goes hand in hand with the point above, but just don't be all "aaaw, poor you," unless we specifically tell you that we're sad and that the root cause of that sadness is not having a partner.

4. Invite us to stuff.

Okay, nobody wants to be a third wheel and equally, nobody wants to feel that they can't be all soppy and romantic, because their unattached friend is sat right there.  But you know, single folk can cope with being in the presence of couples.  Even ones who hold hands!

One thing that's almost certain to annoy a single person is finding out that their loved up pals have all been getting together and leaving them behind.  Presumably, they think we're too busy eating ice cream straight out of the tub and crying into our flannel pyjamas to interact with the outside world.

Look, if you're going on a double date to a restaurant, fine, by all means leave the singleton at home.  But if you're just hanging out at the pub, does it really matter if someone is there without a partner?  Besides, how are we supposed to meet the potential love of our life if nobody ever invites us anywhere?!

5. By all means tell us how happy you are, but please don't purposefully rub it in our faces.

Last year on Valentine's Day, someone I used to be friends with decided to tag me in her status on Facebook, in which she told her boyfriend she loved him and posted endless photos of the flowers and chocolates he'd given her.  Why did she tag me?  Because I had said earlier that I was feeling a bit sad about being single on Valentine's Day and she thought it would be funny to rub it in.  Notice I said I used to be friends with her...

I have a bit of a beef with people posting photos of their Valentine's gifts online, anyway.  In my eyes, your private life is called your private life for a reason.  I feel like there's a massive difference between posting a status saying: "Happy Valentine's Day Steve, thank you for being the love of my life," and posting a series of photos of the card Steve gave you, the gifts Steve presented you with (both wrapped and unwrapped, obviously) and a series of pictures of the two of you having a supposedly intimate, romantic Valentine's Day, together.  The first is a touching status, expressing your love and you know what?  Most single people would "like" that status (or at least smile on seeing it).  The second is just: "LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF I HAVE!"

Look, this is just my opinion, but...

...By posting photos everywhere, you're kind of reducing the romance of being given the card/gifts in the first place.  When I received a really thoughtful gift from an ex years ago (on my birthday, rather than Valentine's Day, but the point stands), I didn't think: "Oh wow, the WORLD needs to see this."  I thought: "I can't believe he remembered me mentioning that ages ago" and then I gave him a kiss and we went out for dinner.  Unless you get something hilarious or SO incredible that you're in a state of over-excited shock, you probably don't need to share an intimate gift from a partner with the entire World Wide Web.  

To further explain my point: until a few years ago, I used to post photos of my "haul" every Christmas morning.  Then, I suddenly had the horrifying realisation that I was reducing my favourite time of year to just the amount of presents I had and that it was way more important than that.  Besides which, I knew a few people who had struggled financially and were massively scaling down their gift-giving as a result and I thought: "Do I want to be the person rubbing their noses in it by going "I HAVE LOADS OF PRESENTS" on Facebook?"  And the answer was no.

Seeing people write messages of love to their partners on social media actually makes me smile.  It makes me realise that love exists and that someday, I might find someone to write about, too.  Seeing photos of bunches of flowers, boxes of chocolates and mass-produced teddy bears simply makes me wonder why people have to show that stuff off, rather than just enjoying the fact that their partner gave them something nice in the first place.

Obviously I don't believe that everyone who posts photos of Valentine's gifts is doing so to show off, but with some, you can kind of tell that there's an element of that and it's a bit sad, really.  It's not just Valentine's Day, either.  I've known people who can change literally every conversation into a chat about their partner and you end up feeling like they're not interested in hearing about your day or listening to your opinions on anything.  They just want to talk about the one thing you don't have.  At first, you shrug and think "oh well, they're happy, they're just excited."  But after a while, you do start to feel as though maybe they're being a bit disrespectful by making everything about their partner and no longer showing any interest in your life, because you don't have one.

It all amounts to respecting your single mates, really.  You don't have to avoid mentioning your partner online, or in person, but maybe remember to ask us how we are, too?  And if we say we're feeling low, please don't tag us in statuses about how you have someone and we don't.  That's not funny.

And finally...

6. Don't feel the need to post photos of the two of you in bed together.

Single bed on holiday - woooohooooo!

Look, we get it.  You are having more sex than we are.  Well done on that (although please for the love of GOD, shower before you meet up with us).  But we don't actually need evidence of said coupling, okay?  I mean, we know you share a bed.  We don't have any desire to be gifted with photographic evidence.  And WHY are you taking selfies and uploading them to Facebook, when you are IN BED WITH YOUR PARTNER??!  There are better things you could be doing, frankly.  Even I know that. 

By all means, take a selfie when you're both snuggled up under the duvet, all semi-naked and probably a bit whiffy and shiny.  But keep it for your own personal collection.  What possible reason is there for uploading a picture of yourself in bed with your partner to social media other than showing off your sex life?!  I said it before, but really, your private life is called "private" for a reason.  It just doesn't need to be shared to that degree.  Again, this is my opinion, but I can't think of anything I'd be less likely to do in bed with my partner (if I had one) than say: "Hey, let's take a selfie of this intimate moment and share it with Facebook."  

Unless your bed selfie is utterly hilarious and posted with the sole intention of making your friends laugh, just keep it to yourself.  Pretty please.

So, there we have it.  Look, if you're reading this and you're in the throes of a passionate relationship, I am genuinely, genuinely pleased for you.  Love is rare and if you've found it, bloody good for you!  Hold onto it.  There's nothing worse than a bitter, jealous person, who can't be happy for their loved-up friends and I hope I've never been that person, because for everyone I know who is in love, I feel a real sense of joy.

The fact is, dear attached readers, some of us singletons would really like to be where you are.  And others absolutely, definitely don't want to be.  But however we feel about our personal situation, we should all try to be respectful of your happiness.  Essentially, this blog isn't a dig at couples, or a long list of moans.  It's about how we can respect each other, regardless of how different our personal situations are.  Respect is a two-way-street, after all.

  I could summarise this whole blog with the simple words:

"Don't make assumptions, don't be overly boastful, or rub your relationship in single people's faces on purpose and just remember who your friends are."

Do that and we're cool.

Which reminds me: it's totally cool to be fine being single, everyone!  And if you're not fine with it, there are plenty of reasons why you could be.  Tune in next week, for How To... Be Happy Being Single!