In Praise of "Mr Nice Guy."

If there's one phrase I'm truly sick of hearing, it's: "All women love a bad boy."

Excuse my language, but bollocks.

Here's the thing: the stereotypical image of the "bad boy" might be attractive to some.  Heck, even I find the idea of the outspoken, outgoing guy who's not afraid to stay out all night partying pretty hot.  The trouble is, I want that same guy to be reliably at work the next day.  

Say the words "bad boy" and it conjures up all sorts of images.  The guy who constantly puts himself first.  The man who doesn't do "sensitive" or "monogamous."  The dude who never calls after a date.

A "bad boy" is meant to be a "real bloke," whatever the hell one of those is.  The trouble is, it's all bullshit.  

Is being confident sexy?  Sure it is.  But over-confidence slides into arrogance and trust me, far fewer women find that attractive.

Is putting your own needs first a good thing?  Sometimes, definitely.  But if you put yourself above others constantly, you're going to tiptoe away from "bad boy" and towards "selfish sod."

Besides, you can be confident, in control and sure of what you want out of life without being a so-called "bad boy."  The tips I've seen on how to be a bad boy in countless online articles verge on sociopathic: 

• Don't show any emotion.  If you show her none, a woman will always want more, so she'll stay interested.
• Always put yourself first.  Never put your girlfriend or friends before your own desires, regardless of how much they need you.
• Hang up on a woman mid phone call.  It'll really piss her off and keep her interested.

If you're reading any of those "tips" and thinking anything but "that's the behaviour of an arsehole," then I worry about your state of mind.  Because, people: THAT'S THE BEHAVIOUR OF AN ARSEHOLE.  Even more worrying, are the comments beneath these "how to be a bad boy" articles, which genuinely range from moaning about being "friend-zoned," to one guy actually saying he's tempted to rape someone, just to "prove" what a "bad boy" he is.  The suggested article that came after the "How To Be A Bad Boy" one was, by the way, entitled "It's OK To Cheat (Sometimes You Have To Just Be A Man And Cheat On Your Girlfriend)."  So, that tells you a lot...

We use the term "bad boy" to describe guys who don't necessarily treat women that well, so what the heck is up with the idea that that's what we all actually want?  I've been cheated on.  I've been stood up.  I've had someone I loved unconditionally take all my time and support, yet give me utterly nothing in return, because he was number one in his world and nobody else ever came first (literally...).  He liked to describe himself as a "bad boy" and it was the worst relationship of my life, yet I'm supposed to want more of the same??!!  Erm, no thanks.

On the flip side, we talk about "Mr Nice Guy" as though it's a bad thing.  Being a good guy is supposedly unmasculine and unsexy (again, bullshit).  The idea is that being nice isn't exciting enough; we need a "bad boy" to stop us from getting bored.

Really?  Are women just toddlers, now?  I know I've been single a while, but I don't remember ever getting so fed up of being treated decently that I felt the need to seek out someone who'd walk all over me, just for the "excitement" of it all...

There is nothing wrong with being nice.  Nothing.

You could offer me all the "bad boys" in the world, but I'd still pick the nice guy who regularly phones his mum.  

Women are all different, so I'm not going to say "what we all want is..." because what I want and what the rest of the female population are after could be wildly different.  But speaking from experience of having had a "bad boy" (when I was never actively looking for one, either), I can safely say that "Mr Nice Guy" is 100% the one for me.

"Nice" doesn't ever have to mean "boring."  It doesn't ever have to mean that you can't be a bloke.

All "nice" means is considering other people as well as yourself; not to the degree that you end up unhappy from putting yourself last all the time, just to the degree that you're not an inconsiderate idiot.  It means showing a bit of affection and treating the people in your life with some respect.  It means being honest, rather than playing games and trying to live up to some ridiculous stereotype.

At the end of the day, I don't want a guy who treats me like I'm unimportant any more than I want a man to put himself second all the time.  When you get down to the nitty gritty, most of us - of either sex - just want someone we can be ourselves with.  Someone we can have a laugh with, as well as talk to about the more serious things in our lives.  None of us want to end up hurt and none of us should ever really want to be the one doing the hurting.

All women want a bad boy? Don't talk rubbish.

The Heart Wants What It Wants...

I was convinced I had a "type."  In fact, even my friends were convinced I had a "type," to the point that one of my friends once suggested a celebrity crush I might develop and lo and behold, that celebrity (Graham Coxon from Blur, in case you're interested) remains one of my biggest celebrity crushes to this day.  He's a bit geeky looking, with his ruffled hair and thick glasses, which I've always found attractive.  He's a bit awkward in some of his mannerisms, which I find adorable.  He's also a hugely talented guitarist and I happen to rather love his singing voice, too.  And any kind of talent is always attractive in my eyes.

Be still, my beating heart...

The trouble with having a "type" - a certain set of attributes (physical or otherwise) that you always prefer in a mate - is that every now and then, someone comes along and throws you completely, by... Well, by not conforming.

If you were to ask me to describe my "type," I would probably say the following:

• Brown hair, preferably with a floppy fringe, styled in a sort of "boyish" fashion.
• Big, brown eyes.
• Under 5'10 (because I'm so damn short).
• Good sense of humour.
• Non-smoker.
• Sensitive & loyal.
• Someone FUN.

But that's just my go-to response.  In reality, the heart clearly wants what it wants and frankly, we might be oblivious to what that actually is, until we find it.

I say that as someone with a bit of a crush on a person who does not have a floppy fringe or brown eyes and isn't a non-smoker.  Now, I'm not saying for a second that the current real-life guy who makes me go all swoon-y and stupid is THE ONE or anything.  I've only spoken to him a couple of times, after all; I barely know him.  For all I know, he's got some stunningly beautiful girlfriend at home and I am a mere passing blip on his radar, barely registering more than a half-glance.  And he might be incredibly insensitive, deathly dull and with a propensity to cheat.  All of which would make my crush on him disappear faster than a winner of The Voice's musical career.

Even gorgeous Ricky knows I'm right...

That said, realising that said crush doesn't entirely conform to my "type" made me realise that having a "type" at all is... Well, kind of rubbish, really.

Sure, we all have turn-ons and turn-offs.  For example, for what it's worth, I have never found guys with particularly long hair attractive.  But when we have a "type," we're constricting ourselves and potentially missing out on something - or rather, someone - really special.  After all, whilst we might usually have a "thing" for blondes, that's not to say that a brunette couldn't make our hearts leap, if we just open our eyes and cast our nets a little wider.  As much as I don't expect it to happen, I could meet a long-haired guy tomorrow and fall so head over heels in love with him that I forget my enormous dislike of long hair on men.  Stranger things have happened.

Besides which, the most important things on our lists of qualities we look for in a potential partner should always be the things we can't see.  The reality is that eye colour or hair style is trivial and doesn't truly matter to me.  But being with someone who makes me laugh and who ensures that I feel safe and loved definitely does.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've realised that maybe I don't have a "type," after all; at least not physically.  Beauty is so subjective that what I find attractive could be a complete and utter turn-off to someone else (and vice versa).  There are no real rules when it comes to attraction and realising that I fancy whoever I fancy regardless of whether they fit into a very narrow box of attributes has been quite a freeing discovery.  I don't care about eye colour, hair, height or any of those silly things I thought I needed to find in a person.  I care about whether I feel a bit giddy when he talks to me, because of the butterflies in my tummy.  I care about whether he has a good heart and the kind of personality that makes me want to keep getting to know him better.

The heart wants what it wants.  So let's stop trying to squeeze people into a "type" and just let the heart work it out for itself.

The 5 Types of People You Might Encounter on Dating Sites...

HELP!  I'm being followed around by badly drawn hearts...

I'm not a fan of online dating.  It's important to say this right off the bat, because... Well, it's a simple fact. 

When you've been single for as long as I have (over three years and counting), well-meaning people start giving you advice.  Which is great, except for the fact that often, it's stuff you're already doing ("go places" - do you think I live in a cave?!) or it's advice that you've tried previously, only for it to fail harder than Katie Price's ill-advised music career.

One piece of advice I get a lot is "try online dating!"  It's a perfectly harmless suggestion and one with a proven success rate; I know couples who met online who are blissfully happy, after all, so I'm not anti the existence of websites designed to bring people together.  The trouble is that dating sites, much like Katie Price's entire career, aren't to everybody's taste.

I'd apologise, but... SHE'S DRESSED AS A MOUTH.

Still, I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to be in a relationship and I spend a fair bit of time thinking about settling down and having a family.  It's something I always thought would have happened by now and yes, it's a source of frustration that it hasn't.  So, in spite of the fact that I'd previously been a member of two different dating sites and hated the experience (let's just say I went on a date with one guy in particular whose behaviour following said date has become a "horror story" I tell at parties...), I decided to give it another try and, in a moment of supreme nerdiness, I joined a dating site specifically for fans of Doctor Who.

ARE YOU MY BOYFRIEND?! 

Whovian reference for the win.

And in doing so, I discovered a few things.  Yes, there are some lovely guys out there.  Yes, dating sites can be a good place to meet like minded people and get to know them.  But I also discovered that there are 5 types of people you will find on every dating site imaginable (or at least I've bumped into them on all 3 sites I've been on).  And maybe "meeting" these types of people explains why dating sites are still not really my cup of tea.

I say there are five types of people, rather than five types of men, because I'm relatively sure that there must be guys out there, looking for a girl, who've stumbled across the female incarnations of the dating site users I'm about to describe...  

So, before I jump into the list, let me just say: If you're in a relationship with someone you met on a dating site, I am thrilled for you.  Genuinely, I think it's great when it works.  If you've never tried online dating, give it a go if you want to, because you never know what might happen.  But be forewarned that you may encounter one - or all - of these types...

1. The One Who's A Bit Too Keen...

If you're not sure how dating sites work, let me give a simple explanation:  You look at people's profiles, you choose someone you like and you send them a message.  They might message back, they might not.  If they do, you message back and forth and see where it goes.  All very harmless...

But then there's that one user you message, who decides that they're basically in love with you two messages later.  "I think you could be the one," they pine over cyberspace.  "I haven't stopped thinking about you since you first messaged me.  Are you thinking of me?  Can you picture us together?  Because you are everything I've ever dreamt about.  I can barely concentrate at work, because all I have on my mind is you..."

This person doesn't know you.  Unless you've sent them your entire life story in your initial message (or your initial reply, if they messaged you first), then they probably don't even know your surname at this point.  But here they are, telling you that they want to commit to a serious relationship with you, because you're the only thing that's on their mind.  AFTER A COUPLE OF VERY SHORT MESSAGES.

This person might be harmless.  But then again, if they're declaring their love for you this early on and with no personal information to base it on, they might also be planning to kill you and wear your skin.  Is that a risk you want to take?!

Creepy singletons of the Internet:  STOP IT.

2. The One Who Can't Stop Agreeing With You...

I'll be honest with you, dear reader.  I like being right.  Who doesn't?!  But a pivotal part of being a functioning grown up in society, is being able to admit when you're wrong, or being able to offer a differing opinion and having the balls (proverbial or otherwise) to stand by it.

Every dating site I have ever been on has featured a worrying number of "yes-men."  It's as though some people are so concerned about scaring off a potential partner, they are willing to agree to literally everything you say.  I've known some people to totally go back on their own words - from literally one message ago - when I've offered a differing opinion.  You'll spot these "yes-(wo)men" very easily, because the conversation will go something like this (note: this conversation is made up, but you get the gist):

You: So, I really like music.  Do you?

Them:  Yeah, especially rock.

You: I prefer pop. :)

Them: Oh, me too.  It's actually my favourite genre.  Pop is great!  I secretly love One Direction.

You: I'm not a fan of them, but I do like Take That.

Them: Oh, that's who I meant.  I don't like One Direction, either.  Take That are amazing.  Their ballads are fantastic.

You:  Their ballads are great, although I prefer their upbeat songs!

Them: Same.  Their upbeat ones are better than their ballads, for sure.  Any other hobbies?

You: I like painting.

Them: That's great!  Watercolours are fantastic, aren't they?

You: I do like them, yeah.  I usually work with oil paints, myself.

Them: Well, they're the best kind of paints.  I like those better than all the others.

You: I've just finished a landscape...

Them: The best paintings are landscapes!  I love landscapes!

You: They can be really lovely!  I usually do portraits, so this has been a change for me.

Them: Oh, portraits are my favourite kind of paintings, actually.

You: I thought you preferred landscapes?

Them: Only when I thought you did.

You ...

It's a shame, because I think a lot of the "yes-(wo)men" are probably lovely people, just trying to get you to like them and scared that if you disagree on something early on, it'll put a stop to whatever might be developing between you.  But you know what?  As much as I like being right, I much prefer having a genuine conversation with a person sharing their actual opinions.  Honesty is better from the start, guys and girls!  It's by being a "yes-(wo)man" that you find yourself eating a spicy meal that you just know will blow your entire arse off the next day, all because you didn't have the heart to say that you prefer your food a little milder.  In the words of the Genie from Aladdin:  "BEEEEEEE YOURSELF."

Copyright: Disney.  Please don't sue me, I'm poor.

3. The One Who Hasn't Read Your Profile...

One of the best things about online dating - in my view, at least - is that you can find out about a person before you decide whether to strike up a conversation.  If you're after someone with a similar interest or outlook, you can find out whether they're on your wavelength before you've even said "hello."  You can't do that in a bar, unless you have some sort of Spidey senses.

So, when I've been on a dating site, I've always made a point of filling in my profile with as much detail as possible (without giving out my entire life history or pin number).  I might mention bands I like, or a hobby I enjoy.  I'll say something about what I'm looking for (most sites offer the chance to say whether you want a proper relationship or something more casual, which is really helpful).  To me, the whole point of online dating is that it's supposed to be easier than approaching a stranger who you may or may not have anything in common with.  And the use of profile information means you should be judging potential mates on more than just their physical appearance (let's face it, very few of us go to a bar and mutter to our mates: "Look at the sense of humour on HIM!").

All of which means it's kind of irritating when someone makes it really obvious that they've not read your profile.  At all.  It's one thing to skim read and then ask what a person's hobbies are, because you've forgotten what they wrote on their personal info page.  It's another to have to ask where they're from and how old they are, because you've literally just looked at their face and gone "they'll do," without so much as glancing at the information they've put in their profile.  

For example, my basic initial profile page looks like this:

Don't judge my answers - it's a specific site with limited choice options...

And yet, since I've been on that site, I've had at least three messages that contain the words "how old are you?", "where are you from?" or "are you single?"

INFORMATION THAT IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE IN MY PROFILE.

Don't get me wrong, it's flattering to receive messages from someone saying they think I look good - especially as I spent my entire school life being bullied for my apparent hideousness.  But when that information is so readily available, it is pretty annoying for it to go unread.  Whilst I've had some very nice chats with guys who've asked questions they could have answered for themselves, it's always a much bigger tick in the metaphorical box when someone messages you and makes it obvious they have read your profile information before getting in touch.

"What's your name?"  IT'S ON THE SCREEN!!!

4. The One Who Has NO Idea How To Talk To Other Humans...

There used to be a belief that anyone who used dating sites had to be some kind of socially awkward virgin.  Thankfully, thanks to the sheer number of couples meeting online, that outdated stereotype is finally being kicked into touch.  But that's not to say that there aren't a few people online who genuinely don't seem to know how to interact with other humans.

For example, earlier this week, I had a message from a man that said: "You are quite attractive.  Keep it up."

Um... Thanks?   

Sadly, that's just the tip of the "I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO SPEAK TO MY FELLOW HUMANS" iceberg.  Back in late 2011, when I was on my first dating site, opening gambits from potential suitors included:

"Hi, you're cute.  Would you fuck my wife and let me watch?"

"Hello.  Here's a picture of my penis...(and yes, he actually did send one) Can I see your tits?"

and my personal favourite...

"Even though you're not very pretty, I would still consider going out with you.  Want me to send you my mobile number?"

Reader, I married him.  

Seriously though, there are people out there, letting the side down.  It's 2015.  Internet dating is one of the major ways of meeting someone, these days.  And yet sometimes, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the Internet is solely the domain of the socially-crippled sex fiend.

It's dizzying, it really is.  And yes, I have just discovered fun things to do with my webcam.

Not that.  Get out, you perv.

5.  The One Who Would Be Great, BUT...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: perfection doesn't exist.  If you're turning down potential dates because you're waiting for someone perfect to come along, then I hope you're also remembering to feed your unicorn and take your dragon for its MOT, because you're living in a fantasy world.

That said, there are legitimate reasons why we sometimes have to turn down someone who might have been a match in other areas.  And it is massively frustrating.

It could be cultural or religious differences, opposing moral beliefs, wanting different things or distance (I once chatted to a guy who lived in Northern Scotland and thought "he'd be great, if only we didn't live A BILLION MILES APART").  For the record, my distance limit is now London (it was Bristol, but damnit, the South West just isn't coming up trumps for me).  I think long distance can work, if you're both willing to try, but you do have to be sensible about it.  Anyway, there could be any number of reasons why someone who seems nice might not ever become your romantic partner.  

Now, I don't want to sound overly picky by saying that.  I'm genuinely not dismissive without reason - I've been single too long to do that, after all.  It's not as though I'm casually going "oh, his eyes are brown and I prefer blue - DELETE!" like some kind of dating site Cyberman.  Relationships are obviously about compromise and it's vital to be able to try to make it work with someone you like, but some things are insurmountable.  For me at the moment, it's age.  I'm 32 (33 in September, although I'm in denial, so shhh) and whilst I've always tended to go for younger men, I do have to draw the line somewhere, or I'll turn into Joan Collins.  Twenty five is probably the youngest I would date, based partly on my feeling slightly uncomfortable at the thought of being with someone more than 7 years younger than I am and partly on the fact that I've met very few men aged 24 or under who are 100% ready to settle down and think about having kids.  It's just a question of being in different places in your lives sometimes and the last thing I want is to fall for someone who's not ready for the kind of relationship I'm ready (and want) to have.  It wouldn't be fair on either of us. 

Admittedly, there are men out there who are young, but want to settle down.  And I know a couple of women in relationships with much younger men (10 years younger or more), but I suppose it's down to preference, at the end of the day.  For want of a better word, being with a guy ten or more years younger than me would probably make me feel a bit squicky.  Like I was some kind of female version of The Child Catcher from Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang.

Try not to envy my mad MS Paint Skillz.

What I'm saying is, sometimes you meet someone online and get on really well with them, but there might be something that stops you from taking the leap into an actual relationship.  And that's okay.  With any kind of dating - Internet or otherwise - it's always best to go in knowing what you want.  It's only when you rigidly stick to an ideal and refuse to compromise that the problems start...

Having tried three different dating sites on and off over a period of three and a half years, I think I've reached the view that it's not really for me.  But that's not to say that it won't be for you.  After all, you can't say you don't like something until you've tried it.  I just hope that the above descriptions give any potential dating site users a handy checklist of what to look out for.  And if you're someone like me, who's tried online dating, well, I hope reading this has raised a smile, even if it's a wry one.

As for me... Well, I haven't deleted my latest dating site profile, but if I'm honest, it's looking increasingly likely that I'll have to go back to my tried and tested real-life routine of forming a crush on someone and being too terrified to do anything about it.

It's working well for me so far...

BRIDGET JOOOOOONES.

Or maybe I'll force myself to admit that it's time I strapped on a pair of metaphorical balls and actually did something about a crush, for once.  Watch this space...*

*...Not literally, you'll get really bored.