Saturday, 7 November 2015

In Praise of "Mr Nice Guy."

If there's one phrase I'm truly sick of hearing, it's: "All women love a bad boy."

Excuse my language, but bollocks.

Here's the thing: the stereotypical image of the "bad boy" might be attractive to some.  Heck, even I find the idea of the outspoken, outgoing guy who's not afraid to stay out all night partying pretty hot.  The trouble is, I want that same guy to be reliably at work the next day.  

Say the words "bad boy" and it conjures up all sorts of images.  The guy who constantly puts himself first.  The man who doesn't do "sensitive" or "monogamous."  The dude who never calls after a date.

A "bad boy" is meant to be a "real bloke," whatever the hell one of those is.  The trouble is, it's all bullshit.  

Is being confident sexy?  Sure it is.  But over-confidence slides into arrogance and trust me, far fewer women find that attractive.

Is putting your own needs first a good thing?  Sometimes, definitely.  But if you put yourself above others constantly, you're going to tiptoe away from "bad boy" and towards "selfish sod."

Besides, you can be confident, in control and sure of what you want out of life without being a so-called "bad boy."  The tips I've seen on how to be a bad boy in countless online articles verge on sociopathic: 
  • Don't show any emotion.  If you show her none, a woman will always want more, so she'll stay interested.
  • Always put yourself first.  Never put your girlfriend or friends before your own desires, regardless of how much they need you.
  • Hang up on a woman mid phone call.  It'll really piss her off and keep her interested.
If you're reading any of those "tips" and thinking anything but "that's the behaviour of an arsehole," then I worry about your state of mind.  Because, people: THAT'S THE BEHAVIOUR OF AN ARSEHOLE.  Even more worrying, are the comments beneath these "how to be a bad boy" articles, which genuinely range from moaning about being "friend-zoned," to one guy actually saying he's tempted to rape someone, just to "prove" what a "bad boy" he is.  The suggested article that came after the "How To Be A Bad Boy" one was, by the way, entitled "It's OK To Cheat (Sometimes You Have To Just Be A Man And Cheat On Your Girlfriend)."  So, that tells you a lot...

We use the term "bad boy" to describe guys who don't necessarily treat women that well, so what the heck is up with the idea that that's what we all actually want?  I've been cheated on.  I've been stood up.  I've had someone I loved unconditionally take all my time and support, yet give me utterly nothing in return, because he was number one in his world and nobody else ever came first (literally...).  He liked to describe himself as a "bad boy" and it was the worst relationship of my life, yet I'm supposed to want more of the same??!!  Erm, no thanks.

On the flip side, we talk about "Mr Nice Guy" as though it's a bad thing.  Being a good guy is supposedly unmasculine and unsexy (again, bullshit).  The idea is that being nice isn't exciting enough; we need a "bad boy" to stop us from getting bored.

Really?  Are women just toddlers, now?  I know I've been single a while, but I don't remember ever getting so fed up of being treated decently that I felt the need to seek out someone who'd walk all over me, just for the "excitement" of it all...

There is nothing wrong with being nice.  Nothing.

You could offer me all the "bad boys" in the world, but I'd still pick the nice guy who regularly phones his mum.  

Women are all different, so I'm not going to say "what we all want is..." because what I want and what the rest of the female population are after could be wildly different.  But speaking from experience of having had a "bad boy" (when I was never actively looking for one, either), I can safely say that "Mr Nice Guy" is 100% the one for me.

"Nice" doesn't ever have to mean "boring."  It doesn't ever have to mean that you can't be a bloke.

All "nice" means is considering other people as well as yourself; not to the degree that you end up unhappy from putting yourself last all the time, just to the degree that you're not an inconsiderate idiot.  It means showing a bit of affection and treating the people in your life with some respect.  It means being honest, rather than playing games and trying to live up to some ridiculous stereotype.

At the end of the day, I don't want a guy who treats me like I'm unimportant any more than I want a man to put himself second all the time.  When you get down to the nitty gritty, most of us - of either sex - just want someone we can be ourselves with.  Someone we can have a laugh with, as well as talk to about the more serious things in our lives.  None of us want to end up hurt and none of us should ever really want to be the one doing the hurting.

All women want a bad boy? Don't talk rubbish.


  1. I will just add here that there are a number of books and workshops out there on something called "pick-up artists"----teaching men (usually shyer men) how to get over on women and get them "into the sack" by using every trick in the book based on women's perceived vulnerabilities. They make big money, are bought by many men and lead to that dead end of men chasing women just for sex but having not a clue what a "relationship" might mean (not to mention "feelings"---theirs or others). Not such a good world for the nice guy/bad guy things you point out---here the nice guys are trying to become the "bad guys" to get the "girls". Oh well, time to grow up.

  2. I've seen a lot of those books. It's depressing!!


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