Saturday, 25 July 2015

The Heart Wants What It Wants...

I was convinced I had a "type."  In fact, even my friends were convinced I had a "type," to the point that one of my friends once suggested a celebrity crush I might develop and lo and behold, that celebrity (Graham Coxon from Blur, in case you're interested) remains one of my biggest celebrity crushes to this day.  He's a bit geeky looking, with his ruffled hair and thick glasses, which I've always found attractive.  He's a bit awkward in some of his mannerisms, which I find adorable.  He's also a hugely talented guitarist and I happen to rather love his singing voice, too.  And any kind of talent is always attractive in my eyes.

Be still, my beating heart...

The trouble with having a "type" - a certain set of attributes (physical or otherwise) that you always prefer in a mate - is that every now and then, someone comes along and throws you completely, by... Well, by not conforming.

If you were to ask me to describe my "type," I would probably say the following:

  • Brown hair, preferably with a floppy fringe, styled in a sort of "boyish" fashion.
  • Big, brown eyes.
  • Under 5'10 (because I'm so damn short).
  • Good sense of humour.
  • Non-smoker.
  • Sensitive & loyal.
  • Someone FUN.

But that's just my go-to response.  In reality, the heart clearly wants what it wants and frankly, we might be oblivious to what that actually is, until we find it.

I say that as someone with a bit of a crush on a person who does not have a floppy fringe or brown eyes and isn't a non-smoker.  Now, I'm not saying for a second that the current real-life guy who makes me go all swoon-y and stupid is THE ONE or anything.  I've only spoken to him a couple of times, after all; I barely know him.  For all I know, he's got some stunningly beautiful girlfriend at home and I am a mere passing blip on his radar, barely registering more than a half-glance.  And he might be incredibly insensitive, deathly dull and with a propensity to cheat.  All of which would make my crush on him disappear faster than a winner of The Voice's musical career.

Even gorgeous Ricky knows I'm right...

That said, realising that said crush doesn't entirely conform to my "type" made me realise that having a "type" at all is... Well, kind of rubbish, really.

Sure, we all have turn-ons and turn-offs.  For example, for what it's worth, I have never found guys with particularly long hair attractive.  But when we have a "type," we're constricting ourselves and potentially missing out on something - or rather, someone - really special.  After all, whilst we might usually have a "thing" for blondes, that's not to say that a brunette couldn't make our hearts leap, if we just open our eyes and cast our nets a little wider.  As much as I don't expect it to happen, I could meet a long-haired guy tomorrow and fall so head over heels in love with him that I forget my enormous dislike of long hair on men.  Stranger things have happened.

Besides which, the most important things on our lists of qualities we look for in a potential partner should always be the things we can't see.  The reality is that eye colour or hair style is trivial and doesn't truly matter to me.  But being with someone who makes me laugh and who ensures that I feel safe and loved definitely does.

I guess what I'm saying is that I've realised that maybe I don't have a "type," after all; at least not physically.  Beauty is so subjective that what I find attractive could be a complete and utter turn-off to someone else (and vice versa).  There are no real rules when it comes to attraction and realising that I fancy whoever I fancy regardless of whether they fit into a very narrow box of attributes has been quite a freeing discovery.  I don't care about eye colour, hair, height or any of those silly things I thought I needed to find in a person.  I care about whether I feel a bit giddy when he talks to me, because of the butterflies in my tummy.  I care about whether he has a good heart and the kind of personality that makes me want to keep getting to know him better.

The heart wants what it wants.  So let's stop trying to squeeze people into a "type" and just let the heart work it out for itself.


  1. you know, Em, one of the best things about you is how you are so honest with yourself and how you process just what's going on. then you put it out here which can be very helpful. you see, I was in my mid to late 20's in new york city when I decided to stop looking for "the one" or even dates to go out with. I just decided to do those things I enjoyed---go to plays, films, music etc and a great freedom opened up. somehow, after awhile, I met Julia, my future wife, by some deep (probably unconscious) attraction. and we're together after 39 years with a happy family life. so it goes. but your telling your story helped me become aware of mine. thanks again, Em.

  2. Aw, that's such a lovely story! :-) Gives me hope, haha! I think self-awareness is crucial and I always try to be really honest with myself - and others - about how I'm feeling and why. Best way to be. :-) 39 years together is amazing, so huge congratulations to you and Julia! :) x

    1. hanks, Em---but let me add an note---it was a rough ride, certainly in the beginning, due to my lack of maturity and need to be far too angry and worked up.....but, luckily for me, Julia stuck around and I had a chance to grow and learn over the years (which I still feel I'm at my age of 69) the rainbows can come but only if you can be honest enough to realize you have to change and grow....(also had a lot of helpful therapy)

      27 July 2015 at 00:32


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