Why IS Respect So Difficult?!

Seriously, though... Why is being respectful so hard for some people?

We're all different and that's fine.  In fact, it's more than fine; it's bloody brilliant!  Who wants to live in a world of identikit people, who all look and talk the same way?  To me, that sounds like something from a horror film, not some kind of perfect idyll.

And yet we find ourselves in a society in which different views are treated as an excuse for cruelty and ignorance.

For example, I co-run a campaign against Fifty Shades, because I believe it contributes to an already prevalent believe in stereotypical abuse myths (if you love an abuser the right way, he'll change; if he was abused as a child, he has a get-out clause for his behaviour and so on).  I also believe the author of said stories has treated those who see abuse in her books appallingly, by insulting, minimising and silencing them.  Now, I get that Fifty Shades is a ludicrously popular franchise (and I mean ludicrously; have you read the damn thing?  I've read better written till receipts).  I realise that if you speak out against something popular, you're going to infuriate the fans of that popular thing.  But why can't people "respectfully disagree," anymore?

Last night, a fan of Fifty Shades wrote on our campaign page: "You're all lunatics!"  She went on to victim-blame ("if you're in an abusive relationship, just leave!!"), which makes me think pretty badly of her, but it was that opening comment ("you're all lunatics") that really pissed me off.  Why?  Because of the utter lack of respect it showed.

It might shock you to know that I have talked at length with fans of Fifty Shades about why they like it, why they didn't recognise any abuse in it and why they have a problem with me saying there is abuse in it.  I am more than happy to exchange views with someone who is open to listening and who doesn't resort to insults purely because I believe something different to them.

A stranger doesn't agree with me!  I MUST INSULT THEM!

Of course, often, the boot is on the other foot.  I've seen people savagely rip into TV shows I like.  I've seen people slag off bands I'm a huge fan of.  And yes, I've gotten angry about it.  Yes, I've thought "that nob doesn't know what he's talking about."  But were I to actually speak to that person about their different view, I wouldn't start by saying "YOU'RE A NOB!"  Doing that would make them massively unlikely to actually bother reading anything I went on to say and even if they did read it, they'd be thinking the exact same thing about me, because I'd opened with an insult.  It's all well and good to be infuriated by someone with a view that's massively opposed to your own, but if you just toss around insults and close yourself off to the idea of actually listening to that person's reasons for their opinion, you're not protecting your own views; you're acting like a dick.

Nobody's asking you to switch opinions and suddenly hate something you once loved, or vice versa.  But responding to what you think is a "wrong" opinion with a casual insult, or a hostile attitude (particularly if the person with the "wrong" opinion hasn't actually spoken to you about it and you're literally just initiating an argument for the sake of it) doesn't make you any better than the person you think is so wrong in the first place.

It might sound like a trivial thing for me to get annoyed about.  I mean, there are much bigger things going on in our world than people accosting others whose opinions differ from their own, right?  Of course there are.

But from tiny acorns, mighty oaks grow.  Think about where the whole "you are wrong and I must scream insults at you" thing leads. 

It leads to a culture in which angry responses to differences are simply accepted as the norm.  We already live in a world in which differences can cause people to be marginalised and hurt - not only emotionally, but physically, too.  We already live in a world in which certain countries tolerate homophobia and racism.  If we're going to change the big issues, we need to start with the small ones.  If we can rightly see that "fuck you, you're gay" is wrong, why do we accept "fuck you, you're wrong and you're a prick" just because someone has a different view on a trivial subject?  If we don't stamp out that kind of response to someone merely disliking something we like, we're not displaying the kind of tolerance that all decent people want for the wider world.

And no, I'm not saying that we're going to eradicate homophobia and racism by merely showing a modicum of respect to someone who dislikes our favourite TV show.  Of course we aren't.  But if more of us make an effort - and I include myself in that, obviously - to meet different views with polite disagreement, rather than insults and closed-minds, then we're putting something better out into the world.  We're showing that we won't resort to nastiness or abuse and we're giving the other person the chance to give their side of things.

That might not change the world, but it's got to be a good starting point, right?

Hiding Behind The Screen

Last week, I wrote a blog about emotional abuse.  It was pretty personal; I detailed some of my own experiences of emotional abuse in my last relationship.  To say that writing it was difficult is an understatement and it's fair to say that on some level, putting it out there into the public domain was a little scary.

The response was largely positive and supportive and for that I am incredibly grateful.  However, one comment sent chills down my spine when I read it.  That comment suggested that I'm incapable of caring for anyone but myself.  It said I have a "cold, tiny heart."  It told me that I was only considering my needs and feelings and I had no consideration for my poor ex.

Except...  Well, if you read the blog, you'll see that whilst in the relationship, I put my ex's needs and feelings ahead of my own time and time again, to the detriment of my own well being.  I believed him, supported him and was abused in return.  My "cold, tiny heart" belonged entirely to him, unconditionally and with all the support he could have asked for.

Still, my thoughts when I read the comment (after I had stopped feeling physically sick and shaking) weren't for wanting to defend myself - after all, I have done nothing that requires defence,  Instead, there was one question in my mind:  Why?

We're all humans, with differing views.  Anything we read, watch or listen to, we are able to form an opinion on.  That opinion may be coloured by our past experiences.  That in itself is fine.  I'm certainly the last person in the world who's going to sit here and write a blog in which I suggest that having an opinion is of itself a bad thing!  I'm also absolutely not going to suggest that expressing that opinion is of itself wrong.  To do so would not only be inaccurate, but stupid - I'm writing a blog!  I express opinions all the time!

However, there is a line that I don't believe should be crossed.  

If you've got an opinion, by all means share it.  But before you do, consider who you're sharing it with and consider how you're sharing it.

The Internet is an amazing thing, connecting people from all walks of life.  But the safety of sitting behind a screen can dehumanise communication at times.  Every now and then, someone seems so intent on expressing their opinion, that they don't take the same consideration for the person they're speaking to that they might normally.  Instead of saying "I disagree and this is why," as you'd hope they would in reality, a person online might simply bash out the words: "YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG!  I HOPE SOMEONE BEATS SOME SENSE INTO YOU!"

Would we do that in reality?  Or is it just that "talking" to someone from behind a screen gets rid of all those inconvenient social niceties that prevent most of us from being cruel or inappropriate?

Or is it that in this fast-moving world, we no longer have the time to sit and consider our reaction before we hit "send?"

Whatever the reason, it's my view that words are powerful.  We can use them as tools to educate, or as weapons to destroy.  After all, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can cut much deeper.

Having an opinion is our right.  Expressing that opinion is equally our right.  But before we furiously hammer the keys on our computer, putting our views out there in the most thoughtless way possible, perhaps we ought to remember that whilst we can't see the person on the other side of the screen, it doesn't mean they don't exist.  It doesn't mean that our words can't touch a nerve.

There is no sense in hiding behind a screen, firing off vitriol at a person we probably haven't even met (and more than likely never will), simply because we disagree with their views.  Jumping to insults is, after all, the quickest way to lose an argument.

Somewhere out there, sitting behind another screen, is a person reading your words.  Hiding behind a computer might make it very easy to metaphorically shoot that person down.  But it being easy doesn't make it right.

That's not to say that I don't approve of debate.  I love debate.  Discussion and debate is how we learn, how we move forwards and, done well, can actually be a healthy way to show respect for someone whose views we disagree with.  You're giving that person time to air their views and you're giving yourself a chance to respond.  That is brilliant and in no way am I suggesting that healthy debate should be discouraged.

But it's the all-too-frequent reliance of some people on negativity, insults and even threats that I feel needs to be stamped out.  If you disagree with someone over a trivial matter in "real life," would you respond by threatening to physically attack them?  If not (and I really hope the answer to that is a resounding "no"), why is it acceptable to respond that way online?

The answer is, simply, that it isn't.

So, be proud of your opinions and express them at will.  But remember that you're not just flinging random letters into the ether.  Debate, discuss and argue by all means.  But the second you resort to judgements, insults or threats, your point, however valid, is dismissed.  The argument - regardless of who is truly right or wrong - has been lost.

Let's not hide behind our screens, throwing hate out into the world.  Let's really read the words people are putting out there and respond with a little respect and maturity, whether we agree with them or not.