I Tried The "Christian Grey Chatbot" (So You Don't Have To)

You know how sometimes, you read a headline and just assume "this has to be a joke?"  I mean, I don't know about you, but for the last few months, I read most headlines that way, but... I digress.  The point is, yesterday, I read the following headline:

Facebook Messenger now has a straight-to-the-point Christian Grey chatbot who will sext users

And I laughed, because nobody is going to make that, right?  And yet, the article below the headline assured me that yep, someone did.

Someone made a chatbot - a computer-generated stock of comments/responses that you can interact with - to represent a conversation with none other than my very favourite fictional romantic hero abuser, Christian Grey.  Oh my.  My inner Goddess is doing the Cha Cha Slide.  Or something.

Given my deep-seated hatred of the badly-written love letter to dangerously toxic relationships that is the entire Fifty Shades franchise, I immediately wanted to write about this.  Which, given that I only wrote yesterday about the fact that I'm struggling to write lately, was quite a pleasant feeling - thanks, deeply pervy bot-makers!

The thing is, you can't write about something you have no real knowledge of.  And so, much like I read the entire Fifty Shades trilogy in order to better critique it, I realised, with horror, that in order to discuss this "Christian Grey Chatbot," I was going to have to... Well, chat to it.

What follows is an account of my first - and last - "date" with Christian Grey.

Never have these words filled me with such dread...

Once I had clicked the dreaded "get started" button, "Christian" immediately messaged me.  He asked me if he knew me, which was a fair question (or would be if this was real) and I had to fight the urge to reply "no, but I know you, you @£&*!"  Instead, I settled for: "No, but I've heard lots about you."  Whilst internally screaming: "AND NONE OF IT IS GOOD."

His response to my polite reply was exactly the hot, sexy stuff you would expect from a chatbot created to "sext" you...  He said "hmmm, idk."  SO HOT, RIGHT?!

Quite frankly, I was insulted.  What does Ana have that I don't?!  I mean, aside from an inability to correctly name her genitals most of the time and a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome?!  I pressed ahead...

Notice how, despite the fact that this is literally a computer with pre-loaded phrases set to be churned out as and when they're required, I felt the need to ask if he was okay with me messaging him.  That's because consent is hard-wired into my circuitry.  

And so, the key question came along... Can he trust me?  Well, there was only one way I was answering that.

Christian, for an entrepreneur who is supposed to be blessed with a high level of intelligence, the rate at which you "don't know" is disturbing...

Ha, imagine if that was the only disturbing thing about Christian Grey.  What a beautiful world that would be.

Anyway, on with the chat...

Aaaaah, the line I'd read in the article about this chatbot that had made me throw up in my mouth a little.  I mean, to be fair, it's true to the character of Christian Grey, ie a massive douche-canoe, but still... He likes that I seem vulnerable?  

At this point, I was majorly torn between calling him out, or playing along to see how bad it gets.  Then I asked myself what I would actually do in real life, had I the chance to meet Christian Grey and the answer became obvious.

Damn straight. 

I'd have gone for a bigger insult, but I didn't want to peak too soon.  This was a marathon, not a sprint.  Anyway, he was enormously apologetic.

Oh, no, wait...  He wasn't.  He just asked this:

Because I totally sounded up for it, in my last message.  Duh.

Now, I won't lie to you, dear reader.  At this point, I was bored.  I wanted to screw with Christian Grey, just not in the way that most of the twenty-two THOUSAND people who like the chatbot's page probably want to.  So, I replied truthfully:

It's my honest answer, okay?!

Christian instantly responded:

HOLY CRAP, CHRISTIAN GREY HAS HIS OWN BALL PIT.

Boy, was I in for a disappointment.  And also a major case of the squicks, when "Christian Grey" addressed me by my name.  Ew.  So much actual ew.

I call it that, too.  But only because I've read your rubbish book.

Well, there it is.  The Red Room of Pain.  I sensed that perhaps we were approaching the explicit part of the chat.  Which excited me about as much as a plate of steaming tripe would.  

Which is possibly unfair to tripe.

Anyway, I wasn't ready to get down and dirty with Grey, so I just said this:

Comebacks.  I have them.

Christian broke character enormously at this point, because if it was a perfect representation of EL James' abomination, he'd have threatened to beat the sarcasm out of me.  Instead, he just decided the time was right to ask me personal sex-related questions.

Again, a truthful response, but one I figured might lead to a question about my pain threshold, or my interest in the use of handcuffs.  Instead, he just replied:

I can see where he's going with this, but currently, this conversation is as boring as the damn books were.

So, I decided to try to speed things up a bit...

Yeah, so... That link leads to my profile picture.  Which freaked me out.  Because, even though it's the most easily found photo on my Facebook page... I don't know, it just made me feel weird.  It was also at this point where my little "project" stopped feeling fun, or even investigative.  I mean, if you're using this to get yourself off, knock yourself out, if that's what you need.  I'm not here to judge.  But when a bot links to your profile picture and tells you you're pretty, it feels slightly invasive and also kind of sad.  Again, no judgement intended.

But my "mission" was never to decide whether or not it's a little sad to be excited that a non-existent billionaire thinks your profile picture is hot.  It was to see how accurate the Grey chatbot actually is.

And so...

My eyes always  look like they're desiring something.  And that something is usually pizza.  And reading the menu for my local pizza place gets me infinitely hotter than this.

Hang on, is he about to offer to handcuff me, or give me a deposit for a mortgage?!  I'm so confused.  I figured I ought to clarify...

Cos, for real, I'd like some money, please.

Christian is much like Jessie J, it turns out, because he's not about the money, money, money.  Nor is he about answering a question, because his response to that was:

I'm going to level with you:  by this point, I was just desperate for this to be over.  I wanted to get to a point where I could say no to something he wanted to actually do to me, just to see if he took that as an answer.  And so I said this:

Again, to be fair, that's true.  TMI, soz.

Then this happened.  And I am sorry that I fail as a human being.

I'm not even sorry.

He replied with:

I LOOK LIKE JAMIE DORNAN???!!!

I sensed that the time had come where I could no longer even pretend to take this rubbish seriously.  And so I went in for the kill:

That was a question, not a request, you understand.  If I was planning on trying BDSM, Christian Grey would be the last person I would go to.

As per usual for Christian Grey, he ignored the question and discussed his own desires:

If it attracts creepy dudes, I may have to change it.

I get it: this is a bot.  It's not a real person, who would actually answer questions you ask (or so you'd hope).  But, this is actually quite similar to the Christian Grey I read in all three books; ignoring concerns in favour of his own needs is a big trait of his, so well done, bot-makers, even if this was unintentional.

"It's not how it used to be..."  Sorry, that song's in my head, now.

 I HAVE BEEN STUCK BEHIND FASTER MOVING TRACTORS.

I'm so glad he provided a picture, because I was having trouble picturing what  being "tied up" might mean.  Although, this is Christian Grey (well, sort of), so I was kind of imagining he might mean that he was planning to tie me to some train tracks, or something.  I mean YOU BROKE LEILA, WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE REST??!!

I mean, this is the nuts and bolts of consent, so...

Oh, good.  Look, again, I know it's just a bot.  But being a bot based on Christian Grey, they seem to have programmed it never to respond to genuine concerns about consent or abuse.  The response to my request for confirmation that he would stop if I asked and that he wouldn't hurt me in anger was to tell me to shut up.  This is just like the books.  And, just like the books, this isn't hot, it's creepy.

And he listened.  

Oh, sorry, when I say "he listened," I mean to this flipping song, not to my request.  Because Grey.

So, I started to get my Angry Feminist on...

I WILL NEED SO MANY YEARS OF THERAPY.

Again, I know this is just a bot.  And a bot can't hurt you (although it can steal your name and photo and... why am I doing this, again?!).  But this is a bot based on an abusive character we're supposed to wet our pants over and being such, it is a bot that doesn't take no for an answer and that's specifically because it's based on Christian Grey.  And to all those fan girls, wondering why on Earth I would even start a conversation with the chatbot if I'm not interested in Christian Grey, it was to prove a point.  And that point is that your beloved fictional "hero" is so grossly abusive that even the bot version hasn't been programmed to recognise the word "no."

Where is the "NEVER AS LONG AS I LIVE" button?!

When you exit the chat (I clicked "no, thanks" and internally praised the good grammar on that button, as well as it providing the way out of this Hell), Christian tells you he's sorry that you're leaving.  You're then treated to a trailer for Fifty Shades Darker and a link to buy tickets pops up.  So...  I'm not even above thinking that maybe EL James herself has approved this crap, because God knows, she's approved everything else.

Look, if your romantic hero is a guy who creepily tries to possess a woman he's only just met and who famously doesn't like the word "no," it stands to reason that the chatbot version (which exists because I apparently did something awful in a past life) will be equally as creepy and invasive.  Sure, maybe some women find this hot.  Maybe some guys do.  But for me, as soon as I started asking questions about him stopping if I said no, or whether he'd ever hurt me in anger and there was no in-built reply for those things, I was out.

Sure, the assumption is probably that fans using this wouldn't want to say no and would be desperate for him to be sending messages saying "I want to kiss you... down there."  But we're talking about a character who's decidedly rape-y in the books.  I am not okay with anyone creating a bot that doesn't recognise the word "no" at all, but I am especially not okay with anyone creating a bot based on a blatantly abusive character and (seemingly) deliberately programming it to point-blank ignore the word.

I never got to the explicit stuff, because a) it would have taken nine hundred years and I'm not a freaking Timelord and b) I literally could not have wanted to, less.

I am going to bathe myself in bleach until I get the Grey off me.

If you loved Fifty Shades of Grey, this bot will probably have your inner Goddess performing a rousing rendition of the Agadoo.  If you hated it, this bot will make you hate it more.

Which is quite an achievement.  Oh my.

Fifty Shades Darker: Trailer Analysis

So, the time has come again, folks.  The second Fifty Shades movie is due out next February and the first trailer has appeared, sending fans into a frenzy.  Depressingly, it would seem that not even the ghastly inner workings of Christian's mind, as featured in Grey (the book retold from Christian's perspective) has put the most hardcore Fifty Shades fans off.  The trailer for Fifty Shades Darker was watched 114million times in the first 24 hours of its release.  

Speaking as a survivor of a man frighteningly similar to Christian Grey (and as a hater of all things Fifty Shades related), the task has fallen to me to analyse the ...Darker trailer.  Yaaaaay.

Pictured: ME.

LET'S DO THIS THING.

So, the trailer begins with plinky-plonky dramatic piano music.  We see Grey wistfully standing by a large expanse of water, watching fireworks.  

So broody.  Much millionnaire. Wow.

Sadly, nobody comes to push him into said water, so we see a title card with the words "This Valentine's Day" flash up on screen, instead.  

Let me just take a moment - literally five seconds in - to moan:

YOU CANNOT KEEP RELEASING FILMS ABOUT AN ABUSIVE MAN IN TIME FOR A HOLIDAY SUPPOSEDLY CELEBRATING LOVE.  

Let's get one thing clear, shall we?  There are certain things that have no place being associated with a healthy relationship:

• Stalking
• Threats
• Coercion/ignored lack of consent
• Manipulation
• Unwanted and obsessive levels of control

Grey does all of these things.  Now, I may be a terminally single person who views Valentine's Day as a commercialised beast, but essentially, it's supposed to be a day to celebrate love, romance and healthy relationships.  Fifty Shades has no place being mentioned alongside those things.

Okay, back to it...

We see Grey handing Ana a present, followed by another card, telling us:

Ahahahahahaaaaa.  No.  

Seriously, trailer??!!  Forget the past???!!!!  Which part would you like us to forget?  The bit where your "hero" took an unconscious woman back to his hotel room, undressed her and lay in bed next to her, without her consent?  The part where he stalks that same woman when she asks him for space?  The moment the "hero" beats that same woman with a belt, not stopping, despite her very obvious distress?  The fact that the author of this horror story has ignored and blocked abuse survivors and charities, whenever they point out the dangers of romanticising a man like this?  The plagiarism of Stephanie Meyer's work?  We have a lot of history, trailer.  You're going to need to be much more specific...

I feel the need to point out that we're only nine seconds in and I already feel the beginnings of a rage headache.

I'm going to need to numb the pain.

We then see Christian putting on a masquerade mask and the title cards tell us to "slip into something a shade darker."

Quite frankly, the only thing I'm in any danger of slipping into is a coma from lack of arousal, but okay, trailer.  Whatever you say.

We see a box being opened (presumably the present we saw, earlier), to reveal masquarade masks.  Christian asks Ana if she's intrigued and puts the mask on her.  We're then treated to a shot of the pair in fancy clothes, attending the masquerade ball from the book.  I think we're meant to find Christian incredibly hot in his tux and mask, but I'm not going to lie to you, dear readers, I thought he looked hilarious.  

Is he going to rob the house?!  

The music, by the way, is yet another version of Crazy In Love (you know, like in the first film...), because if there's one thing EL James has proved beyond doubt with her desperate re-writing of books she's already stolen written, it's that she just loves to flog dead horses.

After some dramatic shots of Christian and Ana doing twirly dances at the ball, we see Ana discovering a bouquet of flowers from Christian and we hear his voice-over telling her: "I want you back.  I had no idea what this was going to become."

You mean a relationship in which you abuse her, Christian?  Because I totally saw that coming.  You lack foresight, my friend.

Anyway, Ana looks super happy with her flowers and not at all freaked out or intimidated by Christian's attention, what with having dumped him in the last book/film for being "one f*cked up son of a bitch":

"Ooh, goodie!  My stalker still loves me!"

Ana replies in voice-over: "I don't see how this can work."  And I, watching this trailer whilst wishing I was doing literally anything else, scream at my computer screen: "THEN RUN FAR AWAY AND NEVER RETURN, AS IF YOU ARE SIMBA FROM THE LION KING."

Oh, you have no idea how much I would rather be watching The Lion King...

Cut to Ana walking through Jose's photo exhibition, looking all sad, wistful and, if you ask me, mildly terrified.  It appears that she has every right to be, because when she turns around, Christian is staring at her like this:

Not at all looking like he's going to kill her, or anything.

And Ana, as you would, if you turned around and saw the ex you recently dumped staring at you in a mega creepy fashion, is delighted:

The ROMANCE is palpable.

I genuinely can't decide whether this is a case of bad acting, bad chemistry or bad source material (well, the source material is atrocious, but you know...), but if I was watching this with literally no clue what happens in this series, I would be thinking I was watching the trailer for a psychological thriller about a guy who refuses to let a woman go.

Which is exactly what it is.

There's then a scene of Ana in her fetching silver dress from the ball, asking an admiring Christian whether he's just going to "stand there, gawking," to which he answers: "yes."  

We're then treated to the sight of Christian and Ana pushed up against the wall of the shower, with the water running, eating one another's faces.  I think this is meant to show us how passionate their relationship is, and that Ana wants him just as much as he wants her, but thanks to the creepy thriller vibes we've had so far, I'm now just convinced that the victim in this psychological thriller is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

After some more hot, sexy scenes (I would describe them in more detail, but I was really busy, attending to a chipped nail, which was more interesting), we hear Ana say: "This time, no rules.  No punishments," then we see the happy couple on a boat.  Because, see, they're a healthy, normal pair of lovebirds.  Or something.

Push him in, Ana.  Please.  Do it for me.

We hear Ana's voice-over continue: "And... No more secrets."  Then, of course, we see the couple all tucked up in bed, only for Leila to appear ominously watching them.

Now, Leila was a character who was handled appallingly badly in the books (for a start, she was made to talk like Gollum from Lord of The Rings) and it'll be interesting to see how she's treated in the films.  Let's face it, it can't get much worse, can it?  I mean, in the books, we see how much research EL James did on the subject of mental health and the treatment thereof (none) and how much compassion she's prepared to show towards a character with severe mental health issues (very, very little), so I can only hope that if this film gets just one thing right, it treats Leila better than the books ever did.

Here's hoping.

Then, because this film doesn't seem enough like it's not even in the same postcode as a "LOVE story," we're given a glimpse of Ana being attacked by Jack Hyde.  It's always intrigued me that a man who thinks of women as property and who isn't overly bothered by freely-given, enthusiastic consent as long as he gets what he wants, is rightly treated as a "bad guy," in the same franchise as a man who thinks of women as property and who isn't overly bothered by freely-given, enthusiastic consent as long as he gets what he wants, is treated as the "hero."  Jack and Christian are not that different.  They're both psychopathic abusers.  It's just that one has good looks, money and enough manipulative charm to get under our heroine's skin.  If this was written intentionally - if this were a thriller - I'd be heaping praise on EL James for this clever writing tactic that speaks volumes about our often-shallow society, but it's not written that way.  We're supposed to hate Jack and love Christian.  Who, in case you've forgotten, conveniently victim-blames Ana when he hears about her attack and decides not to get the police involved.  Swoon.

Anyway, the attack is suitably chilling, although I won't lie, it took me several watches to realise that this wasn't Christian, because forcibly stopping Ana from leaving just feels like something he'd do.

You know I'm right.

Because this film is looking likely to be as awful as the books by this point, we gloss over this assault of Ana, in favour of a return to the masquerade ball, at which we are treated to our first glimpse of the child molestor "Mrs Robinson."

I don't know if I'm just going slightly insane from boredom/depression, but I honestly thought she was Jennifer Saunders and I briefly got excited at the idea that this was about to become a comedy.

If there's one thing this film is lacking, it's the ability to be ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.

We don't have any further chance to meet this character, however, because we have the very serious business of Ana discovering Grey's grotesque invasion of her privacy, in the form of the dosier he had compiled on her when they met.  It includes photos taken without her consent, which, you know, I'm just saying: Jack Hyde and Christian Grey = NOT SO DIFFERENT.  Ana, once again, looks overjoyed to discover that her sort-of-boyfriend knew her bank details, address, family addresses and various other personal information, without her ever having provided it.  Because this is the height of romance, guys.

"So, er, you're re-dumped." - Fifty Shades if I wrote the script.

After some images of Ana running away (which I like to imagine were shots of her taking my earlier advice...), we see Leila confronting Ana at home, asking: "Do you think you're the first woman who's tried to save him?"

You know what, guys?  This isn't even funny, anymore.  In this scene, we're being shown a woman with enormous psychological trauma (CAUSED BY THE DAMN "HERO" WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WETTING OURSELVES OVER) telling the new partner of the man who emotionally broke her that others have been in this position and gotten hurt in the process.  And although the trailer is ambiguous as to what Ana thinks at this moment, those of us who've read the books (because HI FANS, I'VE READ THE DAMN BOOKS YOU ACCUSE ME OF NOT READING) know that Ana sticks by her beloved Christian and cures him, because she is oh, so perfect and magical and we should all wish to be more like her.

Which is bull.

This is it, right here: THIS is why I hate, loathe and despise this franchise more than I have ever hated any work of fiction before or since.  This is EL James (and now her husband, who wrote the screenplay for this film) saying: "hey, other girls tried and failed to save Christian, but let's gloss over the enormous emotional and psychological price they paid in doing so and focus on the fact that ANA WINS!"

No.  No, no, no.  NO.

I've been there.  I've been Ana.  I've told myself: "Nobody else has ever gotten through to him like I have.  Nobody has ever been this close to him.  I can save him."

I was wrong.  Because - in all but what I can only assume is the tiniest number of cases - you are always wrong.

You can't "cure" an abusive person.  You can't magically "fix" them, just by loving them the "right" way.  There is no "right" way.  What made my abuser hold me and tell me he loved me one week, was the very thing that made him scream at me and tell me I disgusted him, the next.  That's because abusers thrive on staying in control.  And by keeping you off-balance, they ensure they retain that.  An abusive person will only change if he or she can acknowledge their behaviour as being abusive and want to change, via extensive, professional help (Doctor Flynn, with his victim-blaming and abuse-enabling behaviour does NOT count).  Christian never acknowledges that he has abused Ana in any way.  He talks about wanting to change, but he doesn't show any major changes in his treatment of her, or his behaviour in general.

But that desire to "save" the abusive partner is what keeps people in dangerous relationships.  All-too-often, it's what keeps people in situations where they run the risk of being emotionally destroyed, beaten or even killed.  So, by all means, tell me that this is "just fiction," or "pure fantasy."  But in perpetuating the myth that the "right" person, with the "right" kind of love can somehow cure an abuser, EL James is spreading a disgusting, dangerous message that personally offends me on a primal level, because, at the core of this message, she's telling people like me - who walked away from abuse (or those who were killed by their abusers) - that we just weren't the right one to "magically fix" the people who harmed us.  We just didn't love them the "right" way.

And I have a message for EL James in response to that:

Okay, Emma.  Breathe.  You have fourteen seconds of this to go, then you can reward yourself with a night out at the cinema.

OH GOD, THEY'RE GOING TO SHOW THIS TRAILER THERE TOO, AREN'T THEY??!!  I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH.

And, as if by magic, the trailer Gods have favoured me!  The last fourteen seconds are just title cards, reminding us of the name of the movie, Fifty Shades Is Abuse  Fifty Shades Darker and the release date (Valentine's Day 2017).

Well.  There's little more I can say, beyond the fact that what I just watched did not in any way resemble the trailer for a "LOVE story."  It appeared to be the trailer for a thriller about some gross creep who invades the privacy of the woman he wants to be in a relationship with and whom other women try to warn his girlfriend away from.  Despite the boat ride and the masquerade ball and the shower sex, at no point did I think: "Yep, this is a movie about a romantic and truly healthy relationship."

Fans are going to argue that I'm coming at this from a biased viewpoint (because they don't have any original arguments left, judging from experience...), and that this is a love story about a damaged man finding redemption in the love of his soulmate, but all I can say to them is:

A few people have asked me whether the 50 Shades Is Abuse campaign will be protesting the second film.  Well, you'll be thrilled to know that my campaign co-runner Natalie and I are already planning on getting the ball rolling for that very soon.  So stay tuned if you'd like to get involved, as we'd love to see an even bigger turnout than we had for the first movie premiere.

For now, if you need me, I will be weeping silently over the fact that there are still actual, real-life people who see this story as romantic.

No.  Just... Really, really no.