Saturday, 7 April 2018

I CANNOT Find My Chill...

My brain is a strange - and not always pleasant - place.  As a result, I have something of a love/hate relationship with my own mind.  There are days when my brain takes particularly cruel pride in reminding me of all the things that have gone wrong in my life.  There are nights when I'm trying to sleep, during which my brain will replay all the things I've done wrong in my life.  I'll have moments when, thanks to the little sadist in my head, I'll convince myself that I'm useless at everything, have no actual friends and that if I tell anyone I'm feeling that way, they'll think I'm an attention-seeking drama queen and immediately lose any smidgeon of respect for me they might have otherwise had.


As a side note, my method for cheering myself up again, when my brain is in full-on sadistic mode, is to sing along with this song until I laugh at myself:

And then I binge-watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend and just adore Rachel Bloom for a while.

The thing is, my brain has a flip-side.  The sadistic "you are rubbish and everyone hates you" part of it is sometimes overshadowed by a weird, desperate need to do ALL THE THINGS AT ONCE.  Consequently, I might have a day during which I have to fight the urge to contact everyone I know and arrange lunch, dinner and a night out.  I'll randomly want a holiday.  But not in the usual "ooh, work has been stressful, I could use a break" way that most of us feel, from time to time.  I'm talking: "OH MY GOD, I SHOULD BOOK A TRIP SOMEWHERE!   I WANT TO GO AWAY.  I WANT TO RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER.  I SHOULD MAYBE TAKE UP AN EXTREME SPORT.  PERHAPS I'LL DO A PARACHUTE JUMP!"

 This ludicrous desire to do everything, all at once, almost always follows a period of "everyone hates you."  It's taken me years to realise that, weird though it is, this is actually my brain's way of protecting myself and bringing me out of that mopey, depressive phase.  It doesn't work for everyone - anxiety is a right mare and sometimes it, combined with depression, can make plans seem terrifying and unachievable - but it works for me.  The best way of bringing me out of a mood slump is by... Well, bringing me out, full stop.  Taking me somewhere for lunch.  Arranging drinks, somewhere.  Going on a day trip.

I know this, so naturally, if I don't have any upcoming plans, I guess it makes sense that I might start wanting to make some.  It makes slightly less sense that I decide I absolutely need to go everywhere and do everything, ideally on the same day, but hey...  Essentially, what I need to do is keep myself busy, do things that I find fun, with people I feel comfortable around.  If I can do that, I'll be fine.  If for any reason I can't (lack of money, friends being busy with other plans etc), I just kind of lose my chill.


I can go stir-crazy, even if I've only been sitting around doing nothing for as little as half an hour, when my brain is in "chill-free" mode.  I need to go for a walk.  Except no, I actually need to go out for lunch with a friend.  Except no, I really want to visit a theme park.  Except...

Thankfully, this phase doesn't last too long.  At least, it tends to only last as long as it takes to get over the mopey/depressive phase that preceded it.  Before long, I rediscover my ability to laze about, binge-watching something on Netflix, or reading a book for hours.  I guess that's probably because eventually, I'm able to be alone with my own thoughts, without those thoughts being:" Remember how rubbish a human you are?!"  At the end of the day, my lack of chill and my drastic desire to constantly be doing things is almost certainly a way of stopping myself from thinking too much.  Specifically, stopping myself from thinking really mean thoughts about... Well, me.

So, yesterday was one of those "I'm rubbish" days.  Meaning that today, I've constantly been wanting to make plans and occupy myself with literally anything.  Sitting around doing nothing was not an option for my brain, today.

Of course, the irony is, sitting down to write this blog has actually forced me to think about all the things I'd usually be trying to avoid (probably through desperately attempting to persuade people to go and play crazy golf, or something).

Maybe I will find my chill, after all.  I'm off to look behind the sofa...

1 comment:

  1. Hey I’m late to comment (doing a giant catch up on reading blogs) but I hope you’re doing okay. I have similar cycles and it might not necessarily be your own patterns of self defense, it sounds extremely similar to the basics of bipolar disorder. I’m in no way, shape, or form a doctor but just wanted to give you the warning that if the ups and downs start mixing frequently it would be an extremely good idea for you to find someone to talk to. My depression used to rapidly switch to the point where the mania would decide the answer to EVERYTHING was to stop existing. You’re a beautiful person and a lot of what you write reminds me of myself and helps me realize I’m not alone, I hope you can continue finding ways to cope and continue growing and healing. Sorry if I sound preachy, this is just something seriously important to me. And also, you deserve to know that there are people who care, even antisocial strangers across an ocean.


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