So, I think I blinked or something and suddenly 2016 is going to be here in less than three weeks' time. I'm pretty sure last time I checked my calendar, it was still May, or something. Maybe that's why I keep missing appointments...
...Anyway, it's that time of year when bloggers tend to review the past twelve months. Me, I like to hone my position as the black sheep of the Internet family, so instead, I've decided to come up with 20 wishes for 2016.
Who knows, some of the things on this list may actually come to fruition in 2016. Stranger things have happened...
1. World Peace
Because duh. It makes sense to get the big one out of the way first. We all want a nice world, free from fighting, right?!
2. Health & happiness for all my family and friends.
Again, because duh. I'm pretty sure that's a fairly universal wish.
3. To sell lots of copies of my books.
I write books. My latest is a children's book, called Seven Days With The Cherry Tree Gang. If you buy it, you never know, you might be contributing to the day when I finally stop being a woman in her 30s, still living with her parents...
Seriously though, I'm so passionate about writing and I genuinely think this latest book is the best I've written. I promise if you check it out, I won't shamelessly self-promote anything else in this blog.
I have an author page and everything!
You know, I'm pretty nice, really. I can cook, I'm kind and funny (or at least, funny looking) and I know the offside rule. Frankly, a bloke could do a lot worse. Sure, I'm cool with being single - I'm never going to be one of those women who can't seem to cope without a man on her arm - but it would be quite nice to have someone special in my life, again.
5. For someone to invent a cure for cancer.
Imagine a world in which a diagnosis of cancer wasn't a scary thing, anymore. A world in which a doctor just had to give you antibiotics for it, or something. I want to live in that world.
6. To develop the ability to eat whatever I want, whenever I want and for the weight to only go to my boobs.
Okay, so I'd end up making Katie Price look flat-chested, but it's a small price to pay. Mmmm. Food.
7. To somehow invent time travel.
I mean, come on. How cool would that be?!
8. To own a Shetland pony, like the one in the Amazon advert.
Because seriously, LOOK AT IT:
9. To become some kind of tester for Irregular Choice shoes.
I'll write blogs reviewing them or something and in return, I will have the greatest collection of footwear EVER.
10. For someone to finally invent "meat" that can be grown in a lab (cheaply and quickly), which tastes exactly the same as real meat, but which doesn't have to be obtained by killing anything.
I love meat (and yes, I am now giggling at how dirty that sounds) and I also love animals. It's possible, guys. I support ethical farming practices, but I genuinely do wish we could have meat without any animals having to die. If we can grow fully functioning human organs in a lab, how come we can't "make" a steak?! Sort it out, science.
11. For someone else to invent a product called "Cellulite Bang!" to use on your thighs.
"Bang! And the cellulite is gone!"
12. For all horrible "isms" to disappear off the face of the Earth.
Racism, sexism, homophobia-ism... Oh, you know what I mean.
13. To become the Doctor's next companion.
Me. In the TARDIS. With the Doctor. Hell, yes.
Make this happen, BBC.
14. For every copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed and Grey to spontaneously combust, never to be reprinted. Ever.
I think we all know that this is for the good of humanity. And if EL James could show some kind of remorse for peddling a stalking, coercing, manipulating, threatening, controlling bastard as a romantic hero as well, that would be just dandy.
15. To form a band. Or join a choir.
Basically, what I'm saying is, I'm a frustrated diva who needs a stage to sing on.
16. For TV to stop making people famous for doing nothing.
I'm looking at you, producers of TOWIE, Geordie Shore, Made In Chelsea and so on.
17. Actually, for a lot of reality TV shows to finally die the death they've been crawling towards for years.
Does anyone give even the slightest shit about The X Factor, anymore? And if so... WHY?!
18. For all humans to suddenly be able to use basic grammar, so my brain won't have to explode, anymore.
"Should of" doesn't mean anything, people. It's "should HAVE." Don't make me hate you.
19. To visit DisneyLand in Paris with my bestie.
It's planned, so bring it on. I need to meet Olaf.
20. To just be happy.
At the end of the day, life is short. We make of it what we can. So let's make 2016 a good one, eh?!