Inktober/Blogtober Crossover: Day 13

It's a fairly well accepted fact that when bad things happen to you, you end up building invisible walls around yourself, as a form of self-protection.  Today's Inktober prompt word was "guarded" and it made me think a lot about my own walls and how high - or rather low - they are.

I've always been a bit too trusting.  It's one of those things that I hazard to call a "fault" outright, because I don't necessarily think that being open and maybe loving a little too easily is always a bad thing.  Sure, it's not exactly my finest quality either - bringing with it, as it does, more than its fair share of heartache from time to time - but to change too drastically would be to stop me from being... Well, me.

That's not to say that the experiences I've had over the years haven't changed me.  An abusive relationship is a surefire way to make you nervous, if not about letting anyone get close to you, then certainly about who gets close in the first place.  I'm far more cautious when it comes to the kind of behaviour I will tolerate from those around me.  I'm more aware of what constitutes abuse having lived through it, which means I'm very attuned to red flags, which I cannot ignore.

Then there's the friendship issue.  Having had a toxic friendship and having also experienced the breakdown of two treasured friendships, as a result of a silly argument that got out of hand, I'm nervous not so much about who I allow into my life, but of my own ability to keep them there.  I question my own behaviour a lot, wondering whether I'm being a good friend and what I could or should be doing differently.

But I can't change the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love people in an almost entirely shameless way.  If I care about you at all, you will know about it, because I'm useless at hiding it!  And as I'm a soppy little madam and I know how amazing it feels when someone does even a small thing to make me feel cared about, I put a lot of thought into trying to ensure that everyone important to me feels that way, too.  My hope is always that the people I love most of all know how special they are in my eyes and never doubt that I will be there for them whenever they need me. 

Perhaps my openness, when it comes to showing people how much they mean to me, is a little surprising, given my past.  But honestly, I don't really know how else to be.

Do I keep some things in?  Of course.  My self-confidence has taken a heck of a battering over the years and I've got a crippling fear of rejection.  So, no, I don't always feel able to be as open about my feelings as I would like (although I maintain that actions speak louder than words ever can and that anyone I love still knows it, even if I feel unable to express it verbally).  There are equally people who've hurt me, but who I can't tell, because past experiences have taught me that if I speak out, bad things will happen.  So, I guess my guard is... Half up, some of the time?!

Being emotionally open is just a part of who I am.  I might be shy or quiet when you first meet me, but once I feel comfortable around you, my heart is on my sleeve and it's liable to stay there.  Perhaps that heart has been more than a little dented over the years, but it's still open and you'll never need to doubt what's inside.

That's just me.