So, here we are, in a shiny new year. And I'm pretty sure that lots of us - just five days in - have already broken at least one of our new year's resolutions...
...Oh, okay, fine. I have broken at least one of my new year's resolutions. Don't judge me.
With that in mind, I figured it might be time to set some more achievable goals for 2017. By this time next year, I might not have a million YouTube subscribers, or have lost half a stone, but I should be able to complete all of the following:
1. I Will Watch Every Episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend.
It makes me laugh and people randomly burst into song. I'm sorry, but that just wins.
2. I Will Bite My Lip As Much As Possible In The Face of Preachy Vegetarians or Vegans.
Guys, I applaud you for not eating animals, I really do. I wish I could give up meat and, knowing that I can't (I'm sorry, but you will prise steak from my cold, dead hands), I can only try to buy free-range products and support ethical farming methods as much as I possibly can. But I totally respect your life choices. I just wish you didn't feel the need to rub those life choices in my face, via photos and videos from inside slaughter houses, emotionally manipulative posters and slogans and generally the kind of preachy, judgemental talk that will make me want to eat you, just to shut you up. But you know what? I'm going to bite my lip and not rise to even the most preachy non-meat-eater. Because respecting people's life choices means not trying to change them. And that works both ways.
3. I Will Make No Attempt To "Fit In" Whatsoever.
I am finally at a point in my life where I accept that I am a bit weird and I am absolutely 100% fine with it. I like geeky, nerdy stuff. I prefer fluffy pyjamas, a big bowl of popcorn and an American Horror Story marathon to a night out in a club. There are major books, films and TV shows that everyone seems to love, which I am bored to tears by. I hate Fifty Shades with a burning passion and I would rather watch a classic episode of Red Dwarf than ever bother with Sherlock, for example. I can quote several musicals, but I can't tell you who's number one in the charts. For years, I tried to make out like I was really into the same stuff as everyone else. I felt embarrassed by the weird, nerdy aspects of my personality. I didn't think I should show that side of myself. Now? Suck it up, world; I wear my weirdness like a badge of honour.
4. I Will Love The People In My Life And Make Sure They KNOW It.
Okay, not in a scary way...
But I never want anyone in my life to doubt for a second that I value them and care for them. If you are a friend, I want to make sure that you will know how much that friendship means to me. That counts double for family.
5. I Will Probably Eat Too Much, Now And Then.
I am a foodie (that's kind of posh-speak for "exceptionally greedy") and I have very little willpower. That's going to mean that I eat cake, or chips, or a calzone the size of my face (which is totally what I had for dinner last night, in case you're wondering). And the only person I will tolerate making me feel even remotely guilty about my occasional bursts of gluttony, is me. Screw the media and their obsession with stick-thin women. Screw the people who drone on about their raw food diet and the seventeen hours of yoga they do each day. If I want to eat a damn cake, I will. And if I feel too full, or I can't fit into my skinny jeans the next day, that's my problem, nobody else's.
I have the absolute intention of losing half a stone this year (I'm only a size 10, but I reckon I do need to lose about that much), and I'll be walking more, eating smaller portions and trying to be healthier in order to achieve my goal. But I will slip up. I will open a bag of popcorn and eat the whole lot to myself. I will order a burger in a restaurant (probably many, many times during 2017). And that's okay.
See, Woody has my back.
At the end of the day, whilst it's great to make new year's resolutions, we can be much too hard on ourselves if they're unattainable, or if we slip up within the first few days or weeks of the year. So, have a think about some definitely achievable goals and add a few to your resolutions!
Oh, and if you want to know what my actual resolutions are this year, I explain them here: