Friday, 1 April 2016

In Which I Search For A New Facebook/Twitter Profile Picture...

Current Facebook/Twitter profile pic.  Only *slightly* out of date.

I have something of a morning ritual, which I perform each and every day.  I wake up (or my alarm wrenches me from my dreams - you know, whichever happens first) and I check Twitter.  Then I check Facebook and, out of weird curiosity for my own past, I religiously check Facebook's On This Day feature.  And then I go onto Tumblr and click "like" on every single picture of a dog that I see.  Don't judge my choices.

This morning was no different.  But, when I checked On This Day, one of the things that came up was the fact that the photo shoot my mum and I went on - the shoot which gave me my current Facebook and Twitter profile picture - took place a whopping seven years ago.  And that really made me feel like perhaps I should change that photo...

Admittedly, I've not changed a huge amount in seven years.  I can still fit into the dresses I wore on the day the pictures were taken (because no, I'm not naked in my profile picture, honest) and, besides a couple of extra lines around my eyes, my face is pretty much the same.   It's also worth pointing out that I haven't stuck with this profile picture for seven years solid...

But still...  I figured using a photo that's technically seven years out of date merits a change of profile picture.  

Unfortunately, I am the least photogenic person ever (when not covered in professionally applied make up and having a photo taken in a studio - then I'm, you know, passable).  And at my age, most of my friends are doing that thing of changing their profile pictures to photos of them on their wedding day, or to an image of a baby scan.  I can't do those things.  So... What am I going to do?!


Well, I had a long think (seriously, I thought much too long and much too hard about this) and then decided to have a look at current "trends" when it comes to profile pictures.

Apparently, according to this website, there are fourteen "types" of Facebook profile picture.  I decided that out of fourteen kinds, there must be something I'll be happy with and - crucially - able to actually do?!  So, let's explore the fourteen types of profile picture (seriously, fourteen?!)...


1. The inseparable lovers...

Of COURSE this is the top one.  Now, my skills at Photoshop are completely non-existent and quite frankly, even if they weren't, creating a maniuplated photo of myself and Phil Lester would be creepy as hell, however much I may wish he was my inseparable lover.

Let's face facts; I am alone and unlovable.  Or at least, currently single.  So...  Yeah, I won't be doing this one.  

I'll just be over here, eating ice cream straight out of the tub and binge-watching Bridget Jones' Diary, if anyone needs me...



2. The wedding gown look...

Hahahahahaaaaaaa.  I see what you're doing here, website.  Just starting off with the ones I can't do, before we get into the ones I can.  Right?  I can do the next one, right?!


3. The newborn...

Screw you, website.


4. The activist...

Woah, hold on... I can do this one!!!

I'm an activist!  I co-run an anti-abuse campaign on Twitter!

The trouble is...  Well, the campaign centres around the fact that Fifty Shades of Grey romanticises abusive behaviour.  I stand by the view that it does - and always will - but sadly, a lot of my friends online like the books.  What can I say, there's no accounting for taste (insert your own "well, they're friends with you" comment here).  I'm not sure I want this as my profile picture:

Although admittedly, it does catch my best side.

So, moving on...

5. I am a fan...

This one apparently means you don't even need to use your own face in your profile picture.  And to be fair, I've seen plenty of people do this, especially on Twitter.  Instead of using a photo of yourself, you use one of a band, TV show or celebrity you happen to be a really big fan of.  The trouble is, my cover photo on Facebook and Twitter is already this:

The cat whiskers come from within.

If I change my profile picture to a photo of Dan and Phil as well (or just Phil, because reasons) then it's going to look a bit... Much.  

Besides, I view my profile photo as one of the first things people are going to learn about me.  I'd kind of like to feature in it, somewhere...  


6. The always EMO...

There I was, thinking this was going to be photos of people looking kind of sad, or wistful.  And I reckoned I could've pulled that off, except... Nope.  This apparently refers to people who put arty photos as their profile pictures (like rain drops, or storm clouds etc).  Again, with the whole "wanting to BE in my profile picture" thing...


7. The model...

Aah, choosing a photo in which we think we look as fabulous as possible.  Everyone is "guilty" of this one, if you ask me.  And what is there to feel guilty about?  Most of us want a profile picture in which we look good, considering it's kind of the image of ourselves we're projecting out into the world.  And to be fair, the name I gave my current profile picture when I saved it to my computer was "model me.jpg," so I guess I already have this one.  I'm halfway through this list and nowhere closer to changing it, either.


8. The world traveller...

Yeah, I've done this one, too.  I may not be quite as well travelled as I'd like, but I've been places.  And yes, I've definitely used photos from those places as my profile picture.  For example, I had this one for a while...

That's me in Prague.  And yes, I ate that whole doughnut the size of my head.

The trouble is, I've not been abroad for three years (although I'm hopefully going to DisneyLand Paris at the end of the year - woohoo!), so again, any "world traveller" photos I chose would already be several years out of date.  Hmm, whoever thought changing a profile picture would be so hard?!


9. The hobbyist...

Apparently, you can choose a photo of something you do as a hobby, to represent you on Facebook or Twitter.  Which is great, except for the fact that my current hobby is binge-watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, whilst eating Easter eggs.  It's not an image anyone probably needs in their life and as hobbies go, it's a little niche.


10. The joker...

Speaking of "niche," I think we've stumbled upon my speciality.  If there is a prop, I will pose with it.  If there is a statue, I will pose with it.  If there's a costume, I will... Well, you get my drift.  

I've done the "silly profile picture" thing more often than I care to admit to.  Want a montage of silly photos I've used to represent myself on Facebook, before?  Of course you do:

Yes, I dressed as James Bourne, once.  And I rode a... ahem, chicken.

In fairness, it's a silly photo that I'm probably most likely to go with, next.  Because I'm a pretty silly human.


11. The hardcore party-goer...

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.  No.  My core is molten.  And my idea of a party is a group of friends and a game of Cards Against Humanity.  If you're hoping to find pictures of me, stumbling out of a nightclub with my skirt tucked into my knickers, you're going to be disappointed.  That sound you just heard was the rest of the world breathing a collective sigh of relief at being spared that image...


12. The group shot...

Far be it for me to tell you what to use as your Facebook/Twitter profile picture, but I think group shots make better cover pictures than profile pictures.  After all, if someone new follows you, how are they meant to know which one is you?  I've had a lot of group pictures as my cover photo, but more than two or three people in a profile picture is just confusing, right?


13.  The fitness junkie...

Hahahahahahahaaaaaa.  No.

Like, really, really no.

I mean, this is a dreadful photo, but it reaffirms my point.  NO.


14. The DSLR holder...

Yeah, I don't own one of those, mainly because I drop stuff.  A lot.  As much as I would love fancy camera equipment, the likelihood of me breaking it would be too worryingly high, so... Nope.


Wow, so we exhausted the list and I still don't have a new Facebook or Twitter profile picture.  I guess it's a sad indictment on modern life that we even put any thought into what picture makes us look most socially acceptable online.  Or, maybe it's just my inability to ever be 100% happy with my face.  Perhaps I should call a therapist...

Anyway, the search, I fear, may have been in vain.  I still haven't stumbled upon a new profile picture.  Does it really matter?  Of course not.

Looks like the model shot will have to stay for another seven years...









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