Arguing With Homophobes on Pride Day...

Homophobes are, as is turns out, much like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense:  walking around like regular people.  They don't know they're homophobes.

Today, as it's Pride Day and lots of members of the LGBTQ+ community (and their allies) are marching through London, many organisations have chosen to show their support.  M&S, The Royal Navy and The Royal British Legion to name a few.

I've spoken about Pride and about sexuality on this blog before, so I don't feel any great urge to repeat myself too much, but I've never said this, so I'll say it now:

Last year, I realised that sometimes, I find women attractive.  Sometimes, I like a woman in that way.  Sometimes, I find it very easy to imagine myself with a girlfriend.  I get girl crushes and they're exactly the same as my guy crushes.  What I realised last year, was that I wouldn't turn someone down, just because they weren't my usual preferred gender.  If I liked someone, their gender wouldn't necessarily have to be a factor.

I've not really put a label on it.  I guess if I really wanted to, I'd put myself as the "Q" in LGBTQ+.  But I don't feel any pressure to label myself.  I am what I am and sometimes, that means I think "she's hot" and sometimes I think "he's hot."  It's not a big deal.

So, this year, when I spotted the inevitable dissent from the homophobes of the world, my actions were the same as they always are.  I called them out on their ignorance.

Because that's what it is.  And this year, I've seen some fabulous examples of ignorance.  Behold, some of my personal favourites:

• "I don't hate all gay people.  I just hate the whole LGBTQ+ community."
• "The gay agenda is disgusting.  Why must they flaunt their sexuality?  Straight people don't."
• "I will be complaining about this.  The Royal British Legion should not support Pride.  They should support ALL service men and women and their families."
• "Pride is just virtue-signalling, political correctness gone mad.  Why SHOULD it exist?!"
• "Indoctrinating children to believe being gay or transgender is okay is unreasonable."

Here's the thing: Straight people flaunt their sexuality all the time.  What was The Sun's Page 3 if not aimed at placating a straight dude's sexuality?  Have you ever seen a straight couple holding hands, or kissing in public?  I know I have.  I don't get my knickers twisted about their agenda.

Also, the whole "support ALL service men and women" comment goes against the "they should not support Pride" thing, rendering it one of the most wilfully stupid arguments I've seen all day.

And I've seen many.

The trouble is, I've made the mistake of trying to speak reasonably.  Trying to explain how horrific it is that a person's sexuality could be illegal.  That loving someone could be reason for you to be attacked, persecuted or made to feel so isolated that you consider taking your own life.  That love is love and that rising above all of that horrendous history (and for some LGBTQ+ people in other countries, it's not even history at all) is worthy of celebration and pride.

And I shouldn't have bothered.  Because I'm arguing with the wilfully deaf.  I'm talking to people who use the word "hate" freely and yet call you a "virtue signalling, SJW snowflake" when you highlight the fact that all they're doing is hating for hating's sake.

So, I've stopped.  

I haven't stopped supporting Pride, or being supportive of all my LGBTQ+ friends (or being comfortable in myself).  But I have stopped trying to speak reason to those for whom reason has long since been thrown out, in favour of hateful, often far-right rhetoric.

I haven't stopped believing that using religion as an excuse to pour scorn on gay people is abhorrent and that no God I will ever believe in could persecute a person just for who they love.  But I have stopped trying to make the indoctrinated see sense.

And you know what?  I feel better for it.

I'm not saying I won't speak out, where I see hateful words spat all over a computer screen, or where I see intolerance preached as though it has any place in our society.  But I will know when to shrug my shoulders and say "what a sad little life you must lead, if this is how hateful your views are," before walking away with my head held high.

Sometimes, that's the best thing to do - leave them to stew in their juices, posting far-right propaganda about how hating the entire LGBTQ+ community doesn't mean they're homophobic, as though that makes any sense...

I'm off to enjoy the sunshine and bite my nails off whilst watching the World Cup.  I'll leave the idiots to argue amongst themselves.

Happy Pride, everyone.

Let Me Tell You About My Super Power...

SUPER EM!  My powers don't extend to photo manipulation, sadly.

I've been using a phrase for a really long time and it's only recently that I've realised that it's the wrong one.

Four and a half years ago, I found the strength to walk away from an abusive relationship.  I don't use the term "found the strength" lightly, because believe me, walking away and putting myself back together again was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Since then, as with most survivors, I've learnt that some things trigger memories of what I experienced and I will therefore be more sensitive to them.  Generally, once you know what your triggers are, you can either avoid them, or work on ways to protect yourself, should you encounter them.  Another thing you learn, as you're rebuilding yourself, is that certain things you say and do are likely to be influenced by what you went through.  I might react strangely to something that seems harmless and I have to be able to recognise that and understand where my reaction comes from.  I call those reactions and triggers my "abuse hangover."

"Abuse hangover" is, for me at least, a good umbrella term for all those funny little reactions I have to what seem like minor issues, or for the (thankfully ever-decreasing) list of things that can be triggering.  But there's one thing that shouldn't be lumped into that catch-all term and that is my ability to spot abusive tendencies in people.

In the first months and even years after I walked away, got help and put myself back together again, I  would sometimes see someone behaving in a snide, manipulative manner and feel that I had to have a bit of a word with myself before I inwardly judged them for it.  "Oh, Emma.  It's your 'abuse hangover' talking," I'd tell myself.  And sometimes, it really was just that; the person was having an off day, or I was only seeing half of the situation and it wasn't fair to make an assumption without all of the facts.  It's true to say that when you're fresh out of an abusive situation, you're often highly attuned to the signs you need to be looking out for, because even if you're receiving counselling, or support from an abuse charity (as I was), you're often still in that place where you can't believe you missed all the red flags when they were dangled right in front of your nose for so long.  Your senses are heightened and any behaviour that you perceive as bad is going to be magnified in your mind.

But there comes a point where it's not just the "hangover" from what you experienced that's colouring your judgement.  There comes a point - perhaps, as in my case, long after you've finished having support and you've left the abuse well behind in your past - when you realise that recognising abusive behaviour when you see it isn't a "hangover."  It's a gift.  More than that, it's a freaking SUPER POWER.

Being able to spot when a person is being manipulative, coercive, controlling or purposefully intimidating is a skill that, in a perfect world, we would all have.  If we did, perhaps abuse would happen far less.  Sadly, the fact is that abusers are clever.  Manipulative people know which strings to pull, to ensure they remain sympathetic and blameless.  Coercive people know how to make you feel as though you made the choice that they wanted you to make.  Control can be so subtle that you don't even realise you're being controlled until it's much too late.

People often pride themselves on believing that abuse - in any form - could never happen to them, but the fact is that abuse is insidious and we often don't even realise that it's happening to us.  I certainly didn't.  

But now, four and a half years after I left my abuser, I've put myself back together, learnt a whole heap about abuse, moved forwards with my life and, crucially, I know the signs, now.  I'd never be arrogant or foolish enough to suggest that I could never possibly succumb to any form of abuse again; as I said earlier, abusers are clever and manipulative.  But it would be harder.  These days, I recognise when someone is trying to manipulate me or others.  I can tell when someone is behaving in a coercive manner.  I know when someone is gaslighting.

Those are skills to be proud of.  They were hard "won" and they will protect me as I continue to move forward through life.  That's why I refuse to call them a "hangover," anymore.  They're my super powers and I'm lucky to have them, even if I did come by them in a particularly awful manner.

Abusive people: I SEE YOU.

Now, I don't claim to have all the answers.  Being able to tell when someone has abusive tendencies is one thing, but knowing how to deal with the situation (if avoiding that person forevermore isn't an option) is a puzzle I have yet to solve.  Knowing what your triggers are is a good starting point and being able to have coping methods in place is always wise.  Even if you simply go to your metaphorical "happy place" if you encounter an abusive person, that's a helpful step towards not letting them get under your skin.  Remember you're free, now.  That ability to spot abusive behaviour in the first place is testament to what you went through to get to where you are, today.  So, there's no shame in going to your mental happy place, if you can't avoid an abusive person.

For the record, my happy place looks like this:

Oh, so happy.  So very, very happy.

In summary, there's absolutely no way I intend to write off my ability to spot abusive behaviour in a person as a mere "hangover" from what I experienced.  It's a skill.  It's a gift.  It's a super power.  

If anyone needs me, I'll be over here, wearing my pants over my jeans.

Why (as a straight woman) I think "Straight Pride" is nonsense.

Every now and then, something is shared on Facebook that makes me blink several times and say "EH?"  I know; it's a highly intellectual response...  Anyway, today I saw this picture.  And after I'd had my traditional "eh" moment, I had a really good laugh.  Because, it's a joke, right?  RIGHT?!

Apparently not...

"Straight Pride" is, it turns out, an actual thing.  The trouble is, it's a thing that isn't remotely needed.  It's a thing that has the potential to minimise the struggle for gay equality.  I mean, look at the wording in that image:  "Apparently it's now intolerant and bigoted to be straight and proud in this upside down, politically correct society we live in."

Is it intolerant and bigoted to be straight and proud?  No, not in itself.  I'm straight.  I guess "proud" is the wrong adjective to use to describe my feelings about it, because I was born that way (just as gay/bisexual people are born that way), but I'm proud of the person I am, if that counts.  Being straight is just a part of that.

What is intolerant and bigoted is to suggest that gay pride is somehow a symptom of "the upside down, politically correct society we live in."  And let's face it.  That appears to be what the image implies.

Oh, how terribly upside down of us, to believe that gay rights are actually just human rights and that no person should be denied their rights based on their sexuality!  IT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD! 

Here's the thing.  We don't need a Straight Pride Day.  And I say that as someone passionate about giving everyone the right to be proud of who they are.  So if you're straight and you think that's great (ooh!  I wrote a poem!), then go right ahead and feel free.  Enjoy the life you have!  Be proud!  But in between celebrating your straightness, have a think about a few things...

In much of the world, being gay is still illegal.  In Iran and parts of Africa, it's punishable by death.  Even in some countries where gay people are allowed to marry, the marriage is clearly viewed as an inferior substitute for a marriage between a man and a woman.  In Russia, with the Winter Olympics taking off, there is a law which criminalises discussion of gay rights in front of minors.  Not gay sex.  Gay rights.  It's against the law to talk about the human rights of an entire group of people in front of children, because those people happen to be gay.

Ask yourselves, whilst you're slipping on your Straight Pride t-shirt, how you'd feel if it was illegal for you to marry your partner of the opposite gender?  Question, whilst you're planning to march in support of straight people everywhere, what it would be like to live in a country where you have to hide your straightness in case you're arrested and put to death?  Think for a second, what it might be like to be unable to walk down the street, holding your partner's hand, without being subjected to verbal - and sometimes physical - abuse?  To have people assume that you might be a paedophile, based on nothing but your sexuality?  To have religious people scream at you that you're going to burn in HELL?

The fact is, that's just not the case.  The very notion of "Straight Pride" ignores the fact that straight people have privileges that gay people are still denied in many parts of the world.  As straight people, we're not subjected to the same persecution.  We have no idea how lucky we are in comparison.  We can speak about being proud of our sexuality whenever we choose.  And that's why, whilst everyone has the right to be proud of who they are, the idea of "Straight Pride" is a pointless one.

Gay Pride was born out of a need for gay people to speak unanimously against the discrimination and violence they faced every day.  The term "Pride" is used to counter the shame and social stigma homophobes and bigots throw at the gay community.  Gay Pride is now a way for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people to unite and find support from those with shared experiences.  It's a way of actively and visibly campaigning for equality, whilst celebrating diversity and fostering an atmosphere of inclusion.  

Too many people use the "Straight Pride" banner as an excuse to push their anti-gay views, too.  It's often used as a response to Gay Pride, which is ridiculous - countering an event created to give an abused minority a voice, by creating an event to give the majority (who already have rights and a platform) an even louder voice?  Wow, guys...  *Slow clap*

Like I said, I have no problem with anyone being proud of who they are.  And if straight people want to be proud of being straight, then go for it.  But we don't need to march to defend straight people's rights, because we have them all already.  We don't need to speak up for greater understanding of straight issues, because they're the issues that the world already takes notice of and understands.  And we don't need a special day for Straight Pride.  Because every day is Straight Pride day, in a world where gay people can be executed for their sexuality.

So let's be proud of who we are.  But let's be even prouder when people with fewer rights than we have stand together and demand equality.  Because they're not asking for gay rights.  They're asking for human rights.  And we already have them.