The Art of Constructive Criticism

Yesterday, I had a lengthy chat with a friend, on the subject of criticism.  It was one of those "lightbulb moments," during which I suddenly realised that I have big thoughts on this particular topic.  Thoughts that, seeing as I'm armed with a blog and a free half-hour, I would like to share...

Criticism is a part of life.  It's something we all need to get used to and I genuinely believe that criticism is necessary.  You don't learn anything if you're constantly told that you're great, after all.  You can't grow as a person, or improve on a skill if it's never suggested to you that you might need to.

So, I am pro-criticism, on the whole.  I think it's not only important, but, done properly, it's kinder to criticise than not to.  Before you wonder whether I've gone all hard and am advocating knocking down your loved ones, consider a child whose parents don't believe in criticism.  Imagine that kid, spending his or her earliest years being constantly told that their behaviour is 100% perfect and that their way of doing things is definitely the right way.  Imagine the shock that child will get when they enter the real world and realise that not everyone will agree with their opinions, or with the way they choose to operate.  Isn't it better to prepare the people we love - whatever their age - for the fact that they aren't perfect (none of us are) and that some people are going to disagree with them?!

Equally, if someone wants to learn and improve on a skill, they need to be told when they're going wrong.  You need only watch The X Factor or similar talent shows, to see the contestants who've probably either never been told that they need to improve their technique, or who've heard criticism and chosen to ignore it (and that's a whole other blog post, right there...).  

This gif applies in so many ways.

The way those wannabe singers crumple when finally faced with someone willing to criticise their vocal abilities, is one of the biggest reasons I can't stand watching shows like The X Factor.  Is it really kinder to keep telling someone they're brilliant at something when they're not, only to eventually see them humiliated on TV for "entertainment," or should we have been honest in the first place?!

So, sure.  I am on board the criticism train.  Choo-choo.

But, as my friend and I agreed yesterday, that criticism has to be constructive.  

As the good Doctor rightfully says in the gif above, it's easy to criticise.  But that means it's easy - really, really easy - to get it wrong when we do.

What criticism should be about is helping a person to improve on something.  Whether it's encouraging them to practise more at a skill, or actually suggesting a way to become a better person entirely, criticism should be about building on something.  NOT merely knocking something down.

Sure, there are times when a person needs to be told that they're acting like an idiot.  There are times when a person's behaviour is dangerous to others and has to be stopped.  That's a step beyond mere "criticism."  When I say "criticism," I'm talking about commenting on a person's casual behaviour, skills in a specific area, work output or creative endeavours.

Note: I didn't say anything about their appearance.  If you're just going "hey, you look fat in that," you're not a critic.  You're a bully.  If you're asked for an opinion on an outfit, think long and hard about the tactful response.  And if you're not asked for your view on how someone else chooses to dress or present themselves, don't assume a person wants to hear it.  Aaaanyway...

Look, a cute dog, to make us all feel better!

For me, constructive criticism is about building, not tearing down.  It's not about listing the ways in which a person is rubbish at something, or deciding you have carte blanche to be as tactless as you like, just because someone has asked for your view.

In my day job, I work at a place with a rule when it comes to positive-negative feedback ratio.  It is always a minimum of 2:1 in favour of positivity.  It's "I love what you've done with X, and Y is fantastic, but you need to work on Z."

It's not about pandering to those who've never been given a word of negative feedback in their lives, nor is it about protecting the fragile egos of those who believe themselves to be better than everyone else.  It's about ensuring that constructive criticism does its job: it constructs.  It builds a person up and encourages them to improve.

Take me as an example.  I am extraordinarily sensitive.  I know this and I'm aware that it can be a fault at times.  I'm fully aware that sometimes, someone can give me relatively reasonable criticism and I respond by brooding on it, weeping dramatically to myself and declaring that I am rubbish and awful at everything.  I know.  I'm working on it.

Me, receiving criticism...

Because I know of my own ridiculousness, I think very hard about the way I critique anyone else.  I make sure I stick to that 2:1 positivity ratio.

Think of it like building a house.  You can't expect to build walls and, in time, a roof, if you're trying to lay foundations on a swamp.  It's going to sink into nothingness.  The base has to be solid enough to build on, before anything good can come from it.  Criticising someone too aggressively, or even needlessly, leads them to try to build their house on a swamp.  There's nothing solid for them to construct on.  But, if you offer them some positives along with the negatives, they know they have a solid foundation.  They just have to build on it, in order to create something better.

One other way of ensuring that criticism is well-received and constructive is, in my book at least, to be sure it's wanted.  If someone asks you for your opinion on something they've cooked, made or done, then adding a carefully worded criticism is all well and good.  If you're just saying to people "you did this and it's rubbish," or "I don't like the thing you made," it's going to be much less welcomed.  

Obviously, we're all entitled to our opinions and nobody should feel that they can't say anything about something they actively dislike, lest they offend someone (for example, if someone makes you dinner and it's inedible, you're under no obligation to say nothing and just risk food poisoning), but we need to consider the way we word our criticisms, especially if they're given without being asked for our opinions in the first place.  We're entitled to say "I'm not keen on this," but we should always be aware of the feelings of the person we're saying it to.  Again, it's not about pandering.  It's just about consideration.  

It's also important to remember that criticism is different to actively having to tell someone that they've done something massively wrong.  As I mentioned earlier, if someone has put others in danger, or made a catastrophic error, no amount of positives to negatives can help.  You've just got to tell them.

But if someone asks you for an opinion, think about how you go about responding.  And if they don't ask at all - and their activity isn't hurting themselves or anyone else, or leading them into a situation where a total lack of criticism could cause one heck of a rude-awakening - remember that sometimes it's easier for everyone if you just smile and nod.

In short, I believe that criticism can be a powerful tool for good.  It can help us to grow and improve as people and in the skills we choose to pursue.  But I also believe that criticism has the power to cause harm as well as good, and therefore, when we give it, we need to try to reinforce the positives of the situation.  That way, we - and others - can use criticism as a base to build on, rather than as a swamp to sink into.

Feel free to critique this blog.  Just... Do it in a positive way, okay? ;-)

Speaking Your Mind

The other night, I was watching Come Dine With Me in my Eeyore onesie and contemplating munching on a melt-in-the-middle red velvet cookie (try not to envy my action-packed existence), when a woman on the aforementioned TV show made a comment that hit a nerve.

She'd been deliberately controversial all throughout the episode, making digs at her fellow dining companions, offering huge amounts of criticism with very little praise, and she seemed to have literally no filter between her brain and her mouth.  If she thought something, out it flopped, like a fish from the sea, before thrashing around on the table in front of the horrified guests.

Now, sure, I'm a regular viewer of shows like Come Dine With Me and I'm well aware that on any reality TV show, you're going to get someone in the mix who was almost certainly chosen specifically because of their inability to demonstrate tact, manners or humility.  It's good for ratings, apparently.  But, right at the last moment, as this woman knew that the group of assembled diners were spending their last evening together, she suddenly said: "So, what do you think about the way I've been this week?  Don't you think it's much better to just be completely honest and always speak your mind, regardless of what people think?"

And I couldn't get that question out of my head.  So much so, that I missed finding out who flipping won the show.  I was too busy trying to come up with a coherent response.  I'm not gonna lie, I was close to having some kind of crisis over it.

Like this, only less attractive.

Eventually, I realised that I was coming from an opposite place to this woman on TV.  And I don't just say that because she was from the North and I'm in Cornwall, although they're also opposites, I guess...

No, I say it because I'm the Queen of bottling things up, for fear of offending anyone.  If someone upsets me, there is a very high chance that they'll never find out, because I'll choose to keep my feelings to myself, until my stomach basically eats itself and I've not slept properly for a week.  And even then, I might not be honest about just how upset I've been.  It's not healthy and it really needs to stop.

But, then again, would I want to be someone who just blurts out random criticism, with no thought for who might end up lying awake at night with their stomach eating itself, as a result?  Hell, no.

I guess the best thing is to find the happy medium.  And no, I'm not talking about Derek Acorah (is he happy?  I don't know; to be fair, we've never met).

Recently, I've been trying to make more of an effort to speak my mind.  Something happened a little while ago, which really offended me and I said as much, immediately.  It didn't go down well, to be honest.  In fact, I've dropped an entire week's worth of shopping on the floor and made less of a mess, but I don't regret saying something, because what else would I have done?  That's right - lay in bed, not sleeping, whilst my stomach ate itself.  At least by saying "hang on, that's hurtful," my feelings were made clear and although I still lay in bed awake, my stomach only snacked on itself, which was a marked improvement.

The thing is, I don't believe that we should feel unable to speak our minds when someone else has - either intentionally or unintentionally - caused us pain.  If we don't make our feelings known, then what's to stop that person doing the same thing over and over again, causing us to feel even worse?  You end up trapped on a merry-go-round of angst, in that situation and believe me, it's not fun.  So, whilst the concept is largely alien to me, I'm determined that when I feel hurt or angry about something, I'm going to speak out - albeit politely and probably with copious unnecessary self-apology - so that people know how I feel.

And we shouldn't be worried about being thought of as oversensitive or silly, because even if we are being sensitive, feelings are feelings and if something has caused us emotional distress, we should be allowed to say so.

Pictured: Me.

But that said, I am never, ever going to become the kind of person who just blurts out random, insulting crap and covers it up with the flimsy "I'm just speaking my mind" excuse.  I do think it's important to be honest with people and I don't think we should ever stop people from speaking their mind (free speech and all that malarkey), but I think there's a massive difference between voicing an honest opinion in a tactful manner, and just flinging metaphorical shit at someone's face for the fun of it.

Taking the Come Dine With Me example, there's a huge difference between saying: "I'd have liked my steak a little rarer" and bluntly telling your host: "This is like bloody shoe leather."

One is honest, but tactful.  The other is frankly rude.

I'm not saying that we should wrap everyone we meet up in imaginary bubble wrap like precious little snowflakes, then walk around on tip-toes for fear of upsetting anyone.  That's almost as stupid as keeping everything to yourself and brooding to the point of stomach-eating misery.

But what I believe - and always will believe - is that there's nothing to be gained from being rude for the sake of it, or from never paying the blindest bit of notice to the feelings of others.  You can give criticism constructively and you can voice an opinion without resorting to insults or total tactlessness.

So, going back to the question that woman asked: "Don't you think it's better to just be completely honest and always speak your mind, regardless of what people think?"

Well, yes.  And no.  Basically, find the middle ground, okay?

Right.  So, now that I've answered your question, oh random woman on Come Dine With Me, would you mind letting me know who won?!