Thursday, 19 February 2015

Emotional Abuse & Me

Me, back in early 2010.  That's a hood, it's honestly not my hair...

In March 2012, something life-changing happened to me.  That's not hyperbole.  It genuinely was a moment that changed my life and changed me forever.

I'd been having counselling for three or four months, following the end of a relationship.  A relationship in which I'd convinced myself I was a bad person.  A weak, sad, pathetic, desperate, clingy, needy woman, whom nobody could ever really love.  I'd been with someone who'd given me a sob story about how messed up he was and how he didn't really know how to behave in a relationship.  He'd told me he couldn't help his behaviour; he was scared by how close I'd gotten to him, so he reacted by pushing me away.  And I stuck around, wanting to help him, so surely I was sort of to blame for whatever he did to me after he'd warned me off?  As he himself put it, the last time I ever spoke to him face to face: "You knew what you were getting into.  I'm not to blame for any of this.  You are."

After I finally found the strength to walk away from him - nearly two years after we first met - I was convinced I'd "abandoned" him.  He used the word often enough to describe people no longer in his life, so I suppose it was drummed into my brain.  

I blamed myself.  I hated myself.  I found myself drinking a glass of wine most nights "just to take the edge off" the pain I was feeling.  I'd cry myself to sleep and hope I never woke up.  Every morning, when I did wake up, I'd find myself with a head full of dark questions: "Why am I so useless?"  "Why doesn't everyone just ditch me?  I'm not worth knowing."  "Why wasn't I strong enough to help him?"  "Why am I such a failure?"

When it all got too much, I eventually sought counselling.  I spent my sessions putting myself down, acting as prosecution, judge and jury at my own trial.  I found myself guilty.  My counsellor sat, listened, asked questions and made notes.  Then, in my penultimate session, my counsellor leaned forwards, with a pamphlet in her hands.  She spoke in a very soft, calm voice.  She said simply: "What you've been describing is abuse.  I think you need to call this number and speak to someone about what happened to you."

It was like a bucket of cold water to the face.  I sat and shivered in my seat.  I said just five words:

"But he never hit me."

So many of us, when we hear the word "abuse," think of two things: Physical violence and rape.  I'm quite ashamed to say that even as a childcare practitioner of 14 years' experience, trained in abuse and how to spot it, I didn't really realise that emotional abuse was something that happened between two adults.  

I went home with the abuse pamphlet in my trembling hands.  My counsellor had to be wrong.  I wasn't abused!  I was to blame; I had brought this all on myself.  Still, I knew my last counselling session would take place a fortnight later and I'd be expected to have rung the abuse charity whose pamphlet I'd been given.  My stomach churned at the thought.  How could I phone a helpline used by women who'd been beaten and raped?!  I checked the times of operation and decided to ring after the helpline was closed.  That way, I could tell my counsellor I'd tried to get in touch with the charity, without actually having to do it.  If they had an answerphone service, I'd leave a message and they'd probably listen to it, scoff at my time-wasting and never call me back.  Either way, I had a convenient excuse for not having to actually speak to someone who'd call me out on my stupidity.  I left a message that began with the words "I'm sorry, I'm wasting your time..."

A day or two later, the phone rang.  A very nice, very kind lady with a soft voice explained that she was calling from the abuse charity - did I have time to talk?  I thought I was going to be sick.  They were surely about to tell me off for attempting to waste their valuable services!  I don't think my voice has ever trembled so much in all my life.

And yet shockingly - to me, at least - the lady on the end of the phone didn't tell me off.  She never said I was wasting her time.  Instead, she explained what emotional and psychological abuse was and how difficult it is to spot when you're in it.  She told me - more than once in that first phone call - that it wasn't my fault and that it was okay to let go of the blame I'd been holding on to.  The blame that had been poisoning every aspect of my life.  I'd found myself guilty.  She said I was innocent.

Three months (and several phone calls) later, I began weekly sessions with a support worker.  Ten months after that, I was a completely changed person.

I was going through the night, dead to the world, without crying myself to sleep first.

I had no need whatsoever to "take the edge off" the pain.  The pain was gone.

I didn't hate myself.  I didn't blame myself.  I saw myself having a bright, positive future.  I saw myself as having survived.

Most importantly of all, I was able to use the word "abuse."  I finally realised that my counsellor had been right, on that Earth-shattering day.  The use of my ex's tragic past to explain his behaviour had been manipulation.  The suggestion that if I left, I'd be abandoning him, was coercion to make me stay.  The insistence that the relationship had to be on his terms, labelled as he saw fit, was control.  The digs about my weight... The comments about me being "desperate and clingy" when all I wanted was to be shown some affection...  The demands for sex as soon as I'd arrived to see him, yet the accusation of me being a "pathetic slut" if I tried to initiate it on my terms...  The times he'd throw something across the room and say I made him "violent..."  The time he forced me into the shower, blocking the bathroom door, making me scrub my feet so I was less "fucking disgusting..."  The time he told me that if I was pregnant, he'd give me "the coat-hanger treatment..."  The times he compared me unfavourably to other women - ones he'd been with before me and ones he slept with whilst we were together... The times he'd get what he wanted sexually, then roll over and warn me in no uncertain terms not to touch him, leaving me feeling alone and confused... The times he'd deliberately wind me up and then leave me sexually frustrated... The times he'd deliberately make me angry or upset, so he could criticise my reaction and use it as justification for refusing to commit to a relationship with me...The insistence that none of it was his fault; the world was cruel and out to get him and he was just trying to deal with his issues the only way he knew how...  It was abuse.  All of it.

And once I saw that, I was angry.  Not just with him, but with myself.  How had I not seen it?!  Why did I put up with it all?!

But of course, I was being manipulated.  I fell for his tragic sob story.  The whole "I was abused as a child; I only push you away because I'm scared... I don't know any other way to behave" shebang.  And I wanted to fix him.  I - as crazy as it might sound, given the above list of atrocious things he said and did - loved him.  And when he told me he loved me too, I believed him.  I was going to see it through, however hard it was.  I was going to help him let go of his awful past and move forwards into a happy, loving future.  

Eventually, my amazing support worker helped me to let go of the anger I felt at my own perceived weakness and made me realise that I wasn't weak at all.  I was so, so strong.  I had put him first, even when it hurt me to do so, because I loved him and believed I was helping him.  And maybe, if he had wanted to grow and change as a person, I would have been.  But he didn't want that.  He wanted to use me.  He wanted an excuse to treat me - and others - however he saw fit.  He chose to abuse. 

Abuse is always, always a choice.  Abusers don't go around controlling, manipulating or otherwise abusing people every minute of every day.  They often have jobs, hobbies and social circles, in which they behave as anyone else would.  They can be charming and even affectionate (otherwise, you'd spot the abuse more easily and leave far sooner).  In the moments when a person chooses to abuse, whatever form that abuse takes, they do it through choice.  Not because they had a terrible past and don't know any better.  Not because you've done something to cause them to have no choice but to abuse you.

Once I stepped out from the shadow of my experience, I was able to see it clearly for what it was.  And now, three and a half years after leaving, I can understand why I didn't recognise it at the time.  I heard his "explanations" and I accepted them.  I thought I could help him.  I focused on the times we sat up all night, snuggled together, pouring our hearts out to one another.  I held on to the times he'd make me laugh, or hold me when I cried.  I saw the relationship I wanted us to have, whilst he manipulated me into being blind to what we really had.  Which, of course, was nothing.

I want to go back in time and tell this girl "I know you like him, but just RUN."

Now, more than five years after I first met my ex, I co-run a campaign called Fifty Shades Is Domestic Abuse.  Not because I'm a prude, who hates the thought of BDSM.  Not because I want to censor anyone's reading or viewing habits.  But because when I read the trilogy, I was stunned to realise I was reading something that may as well have been about my ex, give or take a few billion in the bank and a pair of handcuffs.  The manipulation, the coercion, the control...  It was all there.

Fans of the book often tell me there's no abuse in Fifty Shades.  The author tells survivors the same on a pretty much daily basis, often in a hugely offensive, borderline abusive manner (she even sent a rape survivor triggered by her books a gif of a woman throwing a book at someone's head, with the hashtag "#ignorant").  But just as I didn't recognise my own abuse at the time, it doesn't mean it wasn't there.  The abuse in Fifty Shades is very much there.  But when you point it out, the two myths I clung onto get trotted out by fans:  "But he doesn't know any better; he's messed up!"  And: "She sticks around and she cures him with her love."

I know it's a fantasy and the whole point of fantasy is that it doesn't have to have its roots in reality.  But considering emotional/psychological abuse is so insidious that it often goes unrecognised even by the people living with it, I don't think we need fantasy that romanticises it and perpetuates the idea that sticking with an abusive person will cause them to change in the end so that you live happily ever after.

All of which brings me to what caused me to write this piece in the first place.  In the past 48 hours, three separate Fifty Shades fans have contacted me to tell me that emotional abuse "doesn't exist."  One, a survivor of physical violence, even made the shocking decision to send me a photo of herself covered in bruises, with the tag: "THIS IS ABUSE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  THERE IS NO OTHER FORM!"

Except there is.  Of course there is.  Emotional & psychological abuse are recognised by all major abuse charities and by the government of this country.  It may not cause bruises, but it causes scars that run deep, even if they cannot be seen by the naked eye.  The fact that there are people out there - and I believe there are far more than just three - who refuse to believe that such a thing exists proves that we need far greater awareness of what constitutes abuse and where to get help.

Five years after I met my ex, I spend some of my time writing on abuse and campaigning against it.  I'm not "weak" or "pathetic," like he said I was.  I've grown and become stronger than I ever thought I could be.  I have a voice and I'm proud to make it heard.

So when you next hear someone say they've experienced emotional abuse, don't tell them that such a thing doesn't exist.  Don't ignore them or dismiss them.  Listen.


  1. I am so sorry you had to go though that!! Honestly I am not at all interested in reading 50 shades of gray but I feel deeply for your past! Emotional abuse is 100℅ real. It doesn't make rape less horrible or less real! Both are awful! I am so glad you are doing better and that you got help! Also I must say I love your tardis dress!

    1. Aw, thank you. I am so pleased that I was sent to that abuse charity; they were amazing.

      And thanks - I adore that TARDIS dress! ;-)

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  2. Thank you for writing your blog posts about the abuse in fifty shades of grey, your writing is so important. The post you did listing the instances of abuse in the book is brilliant - I've shared it with lots of different people when needing to explain why the books are "not a romantic love story". I'm gobsmacked people would message you to challenge the abuse as well, abuse can be in so many different forms. Please keep up writing the anti-50SOG stance (I'm a co-contributor on an anti-50SOG blog - we've linked to your blog I hope that is ok).

    1. That's absolutely okay! I'll have to check that out. :)

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    1. Firstly, I'm sorry for triggering you. I'm not going to insult you the way you have just insulted me, even though what you have just written is frankly disgusting.

      I felt HUGE compassion for my abuser. I stayed with him for that reason. I stayed up all night listening to him talk. I held him whilst he cried. I stayed over and over when I was hurt and angry and knew leaving was right for me - I put him first. Do not EVER tell me that I am "not capable of feeling compassion" in my "cold, tiny heart." You don't know me. You have read my experiences of abuse and decided to tell me it WASN'T abuse. It WAS. It was horrific and it was my ex's choice to behave that way towards me. That is abhorrent and it's abhorrent of you to think you have the right to insult me and suggest that because he didn't hit me, it wasn't abuse, or that because he had a bad childhood, it excused his behaviour. Nothing does.

      And he didn't want to "stop sexual behaviour." He got what he wanted from me and then refused to allow me to touch him. Not because he was messed up from his past, but because he wanted to stay in control. Had he said no during sex, I'd have stopped and respected his decision. That is NOT what happened.

      Now I am genuinely sorry for the experiences you've had. That's why I wouldn't dream of insulting you the way you have just insulted me. You talk about being triggered and crying, well you've done that to me and the difference is, my blog wasn't aimed at upsetting you. Your post was deliberately intending to upset and humiliate me.

      You say my post was "all about (me)", well of course it was. Because this is my blog and I was talking about my experience of being emotionally abused. I don't talk about my ex's feelings, because he looked me in the eye the last time we spoke face to face and ADMITTED to what he had done to me. And he told me he didn't feel any guilt and he wasn't sorry. So don't you dare tell me that I ought to consider his feelings more. He didn't give mine the slightest bit of consideration.

      Now, I am honestly sorry for the friendship/relationship you had, if you were hurt by it. And if you were not abusive towards the person who is saying you were, that's a terrible accusation for her to make. Having suffered depression most of my adult life, I can understand how difficult it makes things and I would never criticise someone who suffers the same thing.

      I showed my ex compassion and empathy whilst we were together. Unfortunately he used it against me. I would suggest that you speak to someone professional if you aren't already - hopefully they can help you with your depression. But I would also suggest that you NEVER tell an abuse survivor that they weren't abused. You NEVER tell someone like me that they have no heart and they didn't show any care for their ex. You know NOTHING of me and what you've written here is hurtful and unnecessary. Despite that, I hope you get well. Because I'm not the nasty, heartless person you wrongly accuse me of being. I seriously hope you go away and consider your response to this blog. Because it's not acceptable.

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    3. I absolutely disagre that I showed no empathy to the girl who sent a photo of her bruises. I mentioned her briefly in this blog, but in reality, I spent a long while talking back and forth with her, explaining my enormous sympathy for what she experienced. So again, I'm afraid you're judging me unfairly.

      And you say the idea of people changing through love and compassion is somehow new to me, but it isn't. I've changed through the love of certain people and I've known others do it. But abusers - actual manipulative, emotionally cruel or physically/sexually violent abusers *don't* become "cured" by love. The love can help, of course, but that alone will not cure an abuser. They need to embark on a perpetrator course and they need to acknowledge their own abusive behaviour and want to challenge/change it. How do I know that? From years of working alongside those trained in abuse.

      The one thing I will agree with you on is that when you put words out into the public arena, anyone has the right to comment on them and to form an opinion. However, the word "judge" is not accurate; nobody should have the right to judge people they don't know. What I put out there, I stand by. And your opinion that I had no compassion for my ex remains totally and completely untrue. Believe me, I'd have walked months before I did, had I not loved him with all my heart. But he abused me. He CHOSE to abuse me. And that means that I don't owe him any compassion, now. And you have no right whatsoever to tell me I do.

      What you're doing is called "gaslighting." You might want to look it up. In suggesting that I wasn't abused, calling me cold-hearted and giving your sympathy to my abuser and making excuses for him, you're attempting to make me question what happened and make him out to be the victim and me out to be the person in the wrong. That's a pretty disgusting thing to do. Speaking out as a survivor takes courage and strength - something you should know yourself. I would never dream of telling a survivor that they should have more consideration for their abusers, so whilst you're right that you're entitled to a view on whatever I write, you don't get to tell me I should pity the man who left me suicidal because of his frankly appalling behaviour towards me.

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  4. I have written pieces of the abuse in Fifty Shades of grey, they have been shared by Rolling stone Magazine, The Guardian, Forbes magazine, actually Forbes Magazine and the Guardian now follow me, they have shared other pieces i have written also.

    I am a survivor of abuse, i was Anastasia and i was married to a Christian Grey, except my abuse was far worse to what the character Christian inflicts on Anastasia both mentally and physically. It took me a very long time to gain the strength and the courage to leave the marriage many years.

    I am studying Psychology, i also write erotic romance fiction and i am a graphic designer. One thing i don't do is write abuse into my books.

    I have seen the twitter rants by E L James and her people she pays, trying to justify the abuse in the book and the movie. E L James is a coward and she has taken no responsibility for 1.. the abuse element in her books....2 trying to pass of the abuse as a love story. I don't sugar coat it for E L James or her people i tell it how it is.

    One has to ask why are so many women finding the abuse subjected by the Character Christen Grey such a turn on. His behavior in our society is what is called being a Psychopath. Stalking, control, manipulation, sexual abuse, psychological abuse. (It actually says more about those women having problems of their own) Where the hell is the sexy and romantic connotation in the character saying "i don't do romance, i fuck and i fuck hard." Are there so many desperate women out there wanting something else in their lives they have lowered themselves to finding abuse of a young innocent woman sexy romantic. Trust me as a victim of this sort abusive relationship in the past, it is not romantic, sexy or fun.

    The movie is now being labeled as soft porn for women because of Dakota Johnson the only one showing lots of skin. Sorry but i have seen girl porn and FSOG is not girl porn or any sort of porn for that matter. It didn't leave me tingling, turned on in any form, just disgusted and mad. I can go and have a glass of wine and get more tingles from that then watching Fifty Shades of abuse. There are millions of women who have been where i have been in this type of relationship, the scars they are there for life. This movie is very toxic and harmful to so many young and vulnerable young women, i read the comments, women and young girls as young as 16 years of age are writing about the books, very worrying words. I was on twitter tonight, Fifty Shades of Grey official follow me and i was reading their rants, trying to justify this movie and the abuse in it. All FSOG are interested in is the money it is making for the studios and E L James. Twitter rants on when filming was going to start on the next FSOG abuse movie which is apparently June to start filming. I did read from the FSOG people just yesterday on Tumblr that filming is now going to be pushed back because E L James is writing the screen play herself and wants full control over the entire movie, else she walks. "Oh Happy Days" "NOT".
    Even J K Rollings didn't have control of Harry Potter, either did Stephanie Meyers in the Twilight franchise. How big is E L James and her ego. I have studied her she is what is called in the medical profession as a narcissist.....

    if you want to contact me you can do so on one of my 7 websites through this link

    1. I heard EL James wanted to write the screenplay herself. I swear, her ego is just MASSIVE. I think that's why she's so ignorant towards abuse survivors; admitting to having accidentally written something that romanticises abuse would dent her pride too much.

  5. I, like you, was the victim of emotional abuse for years before I ever even had heard the term. I was with a Christian Grey type man, and your blog about 50 examples of abuse really hit home, as I was a victim of almost every single incident. Admitting I was a victim was the toughest thing I ever had to do, but it was also the first step to my getting out, and I am now on the long road to healing. Emotional abuse hurts just as bad as physical abuse, except the bruises are not visible.

    1. 100% agreed. I wish you all the luck in the world on that road - it's a hard mountain to climb, but I always say that the view from the top is amazing. x

  6. Terri Vogel: Your words are so true, the hardest thing a victim of any sort of abuse will do is leave. I was married for 18 years and went through that abuse almost everyday. I am a professional smart women yet i thought his behavior at the start was acceptable. It took me a long time to wake up and realize it wasn't. I left more than once and he always lured me back. The healing process is a very long one, it lasts for a life time. We have two young daughters and i have taught them that abuse of any kind is not acceptable.

    Even after i left for the final time, the abuse, the mental abuse, didn't stop because he couldn't have me any more. I was told i was useless, no one would want me. He stalked me for years, i had to change my name and move across the other side of Australia. My ex husband has money, power and connections so it was very hard to escape him.

    I am now remarried to an amazing man, he knows what i went through and he is kind, patient and so loving, he has also helped me with my healing.

    Emotional abuse can actually be worse than the physical, you carry the scars every single day and it effects every aspect of your life.
    Through studying Psychology i also have the first hand experience of what it is like to be a victim of abuse, to know what victims go through.
    There are so many young girls, women who go through sexual, mental, physical abuse in a relationship, then men who inflict this abuse are in medical terms Psychopaths. They stalk you, isolated you from family and friends, they control every aspect of your life.

    The Fifty Shades of Grey books depict that abuse, but for millions of women the abuse is also far worse.
    I saw the twitter rants of E L James who also has another twitter account to rant of as well, She wants full control of the next movie, right down to writing the script herself and directing. She wants what is depicted in the books in the movie. So that would mean more abuse for the millions of women who flocked to the cinema to watch this. Apparently those women get turned on by watching a young innocent women get beaten, stalked and psychological abuse. Studio heads have not agreed to any of E L James terms and are refusing to. I read yesterday also studio heads wanted the first movie, playing at the movies tamed down as far as the sex and sexual abuse went, E L James wasn't happy, she wanted more sex and abuse in the movie just as depicted in her rubbish books. So E L James might be funding this next movie by herself.

    1. I think EL James' ego is huge. I read that she was incredibly controlling during filming and it doesn't surprise me; after all, she thinks controlling behaviour is absolutely acceptable...

      I'm so glad you've found someone kind and non-abusive, now. I'm still looking for someone special, but I know it'll be worth the wait when I do. I think it's so important to make sure you've found the right person after any kind of abusive relationship, because obviously you're carrying so much hurt after what you've been through. So I always say I'm happy to wait for someone who is supportive and understanding. I'm so pleased you've found that and I hope you continue to heal. :) x

  7. Emma this is the link i tried to share with you from twitter today

  8. I felt both sad and happy when I read your post – the journey you have gone through just evokes that much emotion. Most people go through this unknowingly or in denial, that by the time they realized their true position, they are already mired in too deep. Keep strong, and I hope you’re well.

    Faith Brady @ KHunterLaw

    1. Thank you! Yes, I'm much stronger, now. :) x

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